How to be alone.

This year I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning alone, in a hotel room, next to the airport, eating a bowl of wonton soup to soak my sorry heart, after an even sorrier plate of Christmas ham and brussel sprouts-a ‘present’ from the hotel. The restaurant was empty bar a team of airline crew that spent the entire time on their phones while eating their food together.

I normally enjoy travelling alone, especially on airplanes because it means I can be with my thoughts in peace and I can just tune out and not be obligated to talk to people around me. It’s like meditating but with luggage. And after a three week programme abroad with a big group of international women that just blew my mind, with a schedule that reads like a drill, I was in truth looking forward to being alone. Time to process the amazing experience of the IVLP, make notes and mulch was exactly what I needed before getting home just in time for Christmas. Alas, that was not to be. My transit limbo was extended by 48 hours, two hotel rooms and lots of time alone. Although I had looked forward to travelling alone, this was too long and terrible timing. It may have been depressing had I not kept going over Up In The Air scenes in my head and laughing at my predicament.

So the optimist would say this was perfect time to catch-up, write, read and plan, right? I saw myself as the Anna Kendrick character, beating her laptop with her fingertips. I tend to find myself with so much to do on an airplane, for instance, I have a book, my laptop for working, a list in my head of the films I want to see, a notebook for writing thoughts, music I have been meaning to catch up on, notes and reminders to sort out. This is not the art of being alone, but the chaos of being overly ambitious with my time. And I panic when there is too much in my head and so my default is to not think just do.

But this time I became George Clooney. I thought, observed, and also let myself tune out at airports. Then in my hotel room I contemplated in my hot bubble bath, listening to Elvis, which have largely been to do with the lack of reliable wifi too. Someone had just told me dealing with things head on is the best way and I tried it out. I let my wander. And then I reigned it in. I let the music take me over. And then changed it. It was an exercise in being alone. No emotions in particular. But deliberate thought. Slowing down my mind so as to not panic. Thankfully I had great music to keep me company-the type that feels like someone is singing right next to you. 

And suddenly the unreliable wifi let a WhatsApp message from a friend through, all the way from France, telling me I had been of great help. Elvis sounded so much sweeter just then. 

I’m alone, but not lonesome.

*Listening to Elvis Presley (Are You Lonesome Tonight), Rufus Wainwright (Somewhere Over the Rainbow), Eva Cassidy (Fever), Kings of Convenience (The Build-Up), Air (You Make it Easy), Stevie Wonder (You Are the Sunshine of My Life), Macklemore (Gold). I feel like I rediscover myself and music when I put iTunes on shuffle.

When I fall in love I write letters.

When I fall in love I write letters. And this is my love letter to all the women I met on the IVLProgram in 2018, especially the 16 that bonded even more closely in Denver and Pensacola. 

Dear friends,
When I arrived in Washington DC there was zero expectation for the program or myself. The most positive thing I was planning to take away was the fact that I will travel. Being a woman who runs her own business letting go off the reigns somewhat was not easy. True, not having all the information, ‘shooting from the hips’ (as I learnt from an American workshop leader and now in my personal opinion a mentor) and winging it were not new territory for me but rarely have I been so unaware of and lacking in understanding about something which has now become one of the most important experiences of my life.

Meeting 53 women from around the world and more specifically getting to know them, their stories, their struggles, their victories, their quirks has made me fall in love with, for the first time in my life, with more than two people at the same time (I have two children, in case there were questions...) and feel fabulous about it.

We are all very good at retelling events and painting pictures (social media monsters out there) of our daily lives and certain moments in time. And since we collectively had this IVLP experience all our stories overlap, correlate, resonate and relate with each other. And so what I want to tell you, my dear friends, is to lay my heart out on the table and say you have captivated me. When I fall in love, I plummet in love. My world turns up side down, and so in theory plummeting lets me soar to great heights. This height, I’m sure for some of us who know, let’s you see the real picture from above. And what I see in you all, my dear friends, is the strength you have given me, and to each other.
You can never have too much strength, only too much power, and my best friends have given me new strengths as well as topping up some of my others.
Before being here, I knew I what I wanted from life, from my purpose, from myself but not what I needed. The gaps in my knowledge and my confidence has been filled to the brim with your love, support and camaraderie. And sprinkled with laughter and memories and dancing. 

Now I know how to get what I need in order to have what I want. And what I want is for women and men to understand each other more. Why? Because through understanding we have less conflict and more collaboration. Why do we want collaboration? Because you learn from collaboration and you grow ideas, and you recognise your mistakes. And this letter is really about trying my best to hold onto this love, in all its peculiarities, wonders, fatigue and fear. 
Because essentially we all want to make the world a better place to live in, we need each other to be able to do that. 
When they said give a fisherman a rod...you are my rods (please don’t take my euphemism the wrong way).

One specific rod I have been handed over, out of the fountain of never ending rods in life, is to have the courage to talk about myself and my work. During one point on the program I volunteered to do a talk about my work in front of a large room of people, most of whom I did not know and so was hard to gauge, and instead of just talking about my business I decided to start with my own story. I felt brave enough to do it because you were all there and I wanted to be brave for you all by saying out aloud how important it is to have the ability to consciously talk about yourself and tell your own story. And in turn inspire others to talk about themselves.

I will stop here before this letter becomes too mushy, even though I want to shout out to the world how cool my girlfriends are! 

To my dear friends, with all my love and my heart.