My son said...

My son said “you’ve hurt me. Don’t do it again” the other day. A four year old can recognize when they’ve been hurt and is taking action about it. Got me thinking…when and how do adults express this so straightforward??? When your child is small any/many parents will spend hours and hours thinking about how to bring them up, their behaviour, their discipline, the outcome. Wondering if they’re doing it right? Wondering if they really should do everything differently from their parents. Wondering what to do when things are obviously not going so well. And also wondering if they are over reacting. Having a child(ren) can be the most exhausting, expensive and yet a very thorough therapy session of your life, and it will just keep going.

The biggest issues I feel are around discipline and punishment, as well as reward and encouragement. You can (if you can afford it) adopt all the best eating habits and lifstyles, find the best schools, dress them in organic cotton and make sure they do not watch too much TV. But when it comes to the soft stuff, I’m pretty certain that parents have A LOT to say, and many contradicting each other. And yes, all the self help books say: do what feels right for you and your child. But like I already said, all the wondering questions do not answer themselves.

Every parent would probably say that ‘this is the toughest age’ at any and all ages, because it really is. But obviously at some point any sane person would let the reigns go a bit and relax, and bathe in their glorious achievement of having reared a decent human being, even if it is only through their eyes. But until then, you are constantly coaxing, moulding, altering, patting your kid to the best possible form. And that includes punishment for wrong doings. And I got thinking, with my four year old son, I know exactly how to handle some tricky situations because there quite a bit of literature out there already. The ‘tantrum years', 'the fire child, water child method', the 'time out method' etc etc. And I have so far come to a somewheat customized amalgamation of these versions and more based on everything I could get my hands on for my son. But what I’m worried about more is, what happens when he ages beyond the age bands of self help books that seem abundant but do not fill that gap up until the doomed teenage years? And what's worse, beyond?  Traditionally, as soon as the teenage years have gone by the kid is an ‘adult’ and therefore should be capable of all the adult things in the world: safe sex, driving, owning a credit card without going crazy, getting an education, finding and getting a job, functioning within society without getting arrested etc. But if we look at all the non-lethal problems we have in our society, I’m pretty sure that people still makes mistakes, even after they’ve turned 16, left home, and/or become an ‘adult.’ And what happens then? Who disciplines them? Who teaches them? Because I know that I still make horrendous mistakes. And so does everyone else. But who punishes me? Who tells me that I should’ve have known better? Or  to learn from our mistakes? Where's our guide??

Being a child of the 90s and 00s I read a lot of what I know now, what I have come to learn and have come to expect from magazines. We were the generation that grew up on self help books and magazine columns. Some may think 'parents' are the obvious answer to the source of great wisdom through a series of good bollocking but few are lucky enough to actually get sound bollocking that are actually helpful in real life and on playgrounds. Whereas the majority of the generation would roll our eyes and shrug, continue to devour the cheap but accessible words, that would unite us at a later time in life through a sense of eternal optimism despite the constant dissillusionment and disappointment.

Why disapointment? Because we’re all continuing to make mistakes well into 'adulthood' even though we have supposedly been brought up on a diet of self help books and guides. Why disillusionment? Because we expect our children to expedition through life in an adult’s body, with adult’s thoughts, with adult expections and projectons, with adult responsibilities, when their discipline learning has stopped at childhoood. God forbid, I still need to be disciplined sometimes. I can’t get through a day’s work in the office without checking my FB account once or stick to this little blog continiously! When it comes to self discipline and the basics like honesty, not stealing, etc etc I’m sure most people are capable of walking through adulthood without breaking rules. But what about the problems that arise outside of childhood, in adulthood, where you don’t know if you’ve done something bad, let alone how to remedy it? In some ways I've come to think that in order to discipline myself, be more productive and not err on the edge of wrong doing, however white or small, I just need to follow a diffferent type of punshiment. The fear that my children will grow up 'bad' by watching me, which is every parent's nightmare. Discipline by doing. And most importantly discipline both parent and child by admitting when they are wrong. And so our generation, at least, have this option to save their children by saving their souls.

*this blog was first written in 2016 but never edited until today. you can sense the frentic panic of suddenly realising the inevitableness of having to raise actual walking, talking, thinking human(s).

What makes a Bridge?

There are several bridges in the capital city of Mongolia but none has that presence and unchallenged claim to the name ‘the bridge’ but our Peace Bridge. Built in 1963 by Soviet structural engineers, this structure has been part of our urban landscape for 56 years, connecting the north and south sides of a river that runs through our city. In the last 10-15 years this ‘connection’ has become symbolic of a disconnect between our social structure too. The movement towards a city where our wealth gap is ever widening, inspiring films as well as slang that bring forward conversations about the rich and the poor, with terms such as 'over the bridge' or 'beyond the bridge' referencing to the wealthier residents in the south.

Since our transition to a market economy and a democratic society in 1991 and onwards the rapid changes we see in Mongolia, and especially in Ulaanbaatar has been incomparable to any other post-Soviet society. Well, this is my personal opinion, and I’m sure residents of cities such as Prague, Sofia, Kiev et al will have more to say if asked. However, from my experience of having lived here for the last 11 years, it has never failed to amaze me how fast the cycle of construction, movement, trends as well as, unfortunate in some cases, opinions and policies spin around us. One major change we see very much visibly is the level of traffic and congestion from cars on the road. And although this is a topic that has several volumes of text owed to it, one small aspect of it is my desire to talk about how bridges are in the mix.

I believe that Bridges should and does transcend the practicalities of what a bridge is supposed to deliver from an engineering perspective. The way Peace Bridge does that so beautifully shows what our other recent additions to the city does not, so painfully. In illustration, my frequent walks from home to work and vice versa over Peace Bridge turns a short 20 min walk into a joyful experience where I can feel like I’m part of a city, of a public space that recognize my movement as its living and breathing part. The fact that the pathway that run alongside the car road has no barriers or barricades creates a feeling of transparency and openness which strangely enough lends a sense of safety and connection more than fear and danger. Then there are the structures built along the bridge that are like majestic atriums, where people can stop for a rest, meet a date, take selfies or just wander around in and make their own. Even though many people perceive these atriums as abandoned and/or dirty spots, the fact that people walk over the bridge everyday at every waking hour prevents it from becoming a crime magnet or a place of neglect, and instead they become small hidden parts of a city that doesn’t have to belong to anyone. This juxtaposition of elements is one of the unexplainable ways design can make a space. And this space over Peace Bridge is one that I wish was studied more and attempted to, not replicate but, recreated in other parts of the city where more and more bridges are necessary.

In contrast, in an effort to combat traffic and congestion, and increase mobility, the couple of new bridges that were built in the last few years are of entirely different species. Questions of whether they have been successful in their primary concerns still remain open to discussion, however for the sake of talking about their design, their place in our urban landscape and their presence on a larger scale leaves much to be desired. When an overpass is built, that is exactly what it is. Some may have extra space for hard shoulders, some lanes for cyclists, and some very generous ones have pedestrian space albeit close off with tall metal fences. But when all the elements of a Bridge are stripped back to its bare minimum of just performing its most basic purpose, the entire experience of using that bridge/overpass becomes a little sad.

There is a massive difference between a Bridge and a bridge. In a literal sense the way it looks, performs and costs cannot be ignored, however in a figurative sense they can be used to also explain and contrast the way we as urban residents should look at how we want to communicate with each other. Do we want to live, work, play and grow in a place that does the bare minimum, seeking results, hastening our progress, or do we want to ask for and demand places of experience, joy, connection, awe and dreams? Essentially, we want to live in a humane city and be able to tell our stories and help build the next stories, be the bridges to our future.

‘It’s bad luck to wear more than one hat’ a Mongolian saying.

There is a saying in Mongolian that it’s bad luck to double-wear a hat, as in on top of each other, at the same time. And as hat season is approaching this has been on my mind for a while, which eventually led to my workaholic mind thinking of, what else but, work. And it was a good way of dissecting my current work situation. Operating at various levels of management simultaneously is a challenge I did not anticipate and was not prepared for. Although I have had experiences of starting a project or a venture from scratch, building it up and scaling it somewhat, and sustaining it for some time, remembering how to think and carry out certain tasks according to what stage the project or venture is at is turning out to be a challenge. Just like choosing which hat to wear and when, but more importantly knowing when to take off which.

Let me elaborate. When I started working in Mongolia way back in 2008 and was tasked with establishing an NGO and setting up pretty much everything necessary to run it my mindset was pretty simple. Do everything yourself, and do it well. Because there was nobody else. I would be learning how to formulate letters and documents to comparing car spare parts prices at the market, and everything else in between which included being a tour guide to our rally teams, talking to customs people about vehicle imports at our Western border crossings, meeting with child protection NGO staff to establish new projects, visit orphanages to understand what is a realistic way to help, give workshops to horse trainers about why it’s important children do not miss school, and designing certificates and trophies for people who make it to Mongolia in one piece. Working at all levels was tough but also meant there was no ‘management’ necessary.

Later on, when I started working in a small team at an international company with more people, managing expectations, skills and internal politics also taught me ways of working at a different level, where work load sharing became an important understanding. When there are more cooks are in the kitchen coordination, communication and schedules can become crucial to getting things done. At this point I would say I learnt my strengths and weaknesses, and in an effort to accomplish tasks at hand, accepting the things I cannot do, or at least well, meant I had to know when to listen more. This was especially important for me because I was continuing to struggle with local knowledge, some cultural aspects that glue local staff together, on top of trying to adopt the culture of our Japanese investment company and their country.

Eventually, when I starting working at a higher management level at another company this workload sharing became a way to be more practical because I would start to learn to delegate tasks towards my team and focus on those only I can do, or better yet, that no one can do. So smaller, yet still significant, tasks were allocated and then checked. Challenges that arose here was facing external forces that would be important part of our operation. Local authorities, organisations and agencies that would approve permits and certificates. Many meetings and appointments were with people who took their cues from the way we appeared, or what we said or what was insinuated. And in the case of Mongolia, gauging what a phone conversation meant, or how many people to take into a meeting, who would knock on the door of which officer all turned into almost a kind of game. 

Executive level is another step up but I have struggled quite a bit here because I was still somewhat in a mental state of getting things done myself, and paying attention to smaller details, and not allowing myself to relax and take a deep breath and look at the bigger picture. Furthermore, the idea of giving tasks and ‘orders’ as some Mongolian executives would say, made me feel squeamish and a little embarrassed sometimes, especially if your subordinate was much older than you. Navigating the linguistic mine field of saying ‘та’ but also giving out tasks, and in many cases, reprimanding and then correcting a course of work had me feeling all sorts of uncomfortableness. I am someone who respect our customs of addressing older people properly and I’m sure there are many people who struggle with this too. Besides the internal issues, expanding my mindset at this level has been liberating when working because it can align nicely with your thoughts if you are a naturally optimistic person. You feel anything and everything is possible, and that is a blessing and a curse in disguise. Because what happens when you are going through some crap in your personal life and are just not in that mood to lead and encourage your team every morning?

And all these questions and issues pose the greatest challenge when you start it all yourself and have to become the tasker, the team player, the manager and the executive at the same time. There are bookshops full of books on starting your own business and the challenges and the ‘secrets’ to doing it well, and I have read some but not enough. What I have been rolling around in my head recently is the particular challenge of being an executive whilst starting a new project, whilst managing an older venture. It may not be a smart way to live and work but I love it no matter what so it’s not a question of whether it’s too much, just a matter of how to do it well. And one step I have been learning to take very slowly and sometimes without much confidence is knowing when to put on which hat during the heavily loaded work day where decisions have to be made quickly at various levels of thinking.

At the new project I really must get into the nitty gritty of the work at hand and be completely immersed and comfortable with the task at hand.  At management level of my business I need to be thinking of ways to push the business forward and look at the numbers closely. At executive level of my job I must be looking out for my team, the direction of the company and ways to improve current situation-must be growth oriented. Oh, and at the team player level-have to keep in mind being open to new things, discussions and making decisions together. This is my weekly family meeting time around the dinner table with my boys. So perhaps, the old saying has many truths because double-wearing a hat won’t be practical at best, costly at worst. However, if you’ve weathered enough cold and hot seasons, knowing how and when to swap them around is the only way to look forward to each new day.

My summer of...

Reading a New Year magazine on mindfulness, listening to a New Year podcast on time management, at the end of a New Me trip. Not exactly what I had imagine myself to be doing on a bus, which later broke down in the middle of a no-signal steppe beside a volcanic crater for seven hours, ferrying 40 odd people from all over the world towards our capital city Ulaanbaatar. This was the last leg of my summer month-an unexpectadly insightful and educational trip around the countryside attending a fieldschool on energy transition in Mongolia, that ended up becoming my personal transitional experience.

The fieldschool is a unique experience, organised for the first time by the American Center for Mongolian Studies based in UB, in combining scientific research, knowledge, on the ground study and learning of a particular subject in a particular place. In this case the study of the energy situation in Mongolia as an infrastructural and economic issue as well as being an environmental and development dilemma. The experience of being taught the technical side of various renewable and non-renewable energy options in its location gives a complete experience of the magnitude of the problems we face today as a country, and what that means for us in the future. Although, we were tasked with individual projects as part of the school experience to further our understanding and possibly take action in our own professional ways (mine was in no way related to my profession but has become a follow-up to an avenue that I had started on eight years ago and will hopefully take up again) my personal experience of the trip has taken me beyond my expectations.

The prelude to this post should actually start as 'MyWinter of...' because I went on a trip last December which came at the most fortuitious time for me personally. This trip helped me transform my life following a particularly challenging time that summer, and it gave me back my confidence to not especially 'run the world' but definitely to realise my worth. It may sound like a cliche in this time and age to become sentimental about 'transformations' and 'self-worth' especially on a blog, but with more life lived and understanding that more is yet to come, perhaps you start to listen to those whispers and recognise that feeling in you about the changes you're finally going through. Which in my case was really about learning to embrace your abilities and experiences, and owning up to your visions and dreams.

So, ambiguity aside, this second trip from this summer has given me another opportunity to learn again, carve out some space to breathe and think, meet interesting and awe inspiring people, have loads of fun laughing in nature, swimming in lakes and travelling through histories. It has brought me full circle to a place and time in my life where I am no longer afraid to make plans going forward, and feeling brave enough to become steady and solid. I found that it's in fact easy to be wistful, contemplative and carefree in tough times-a way to avoid emotions by just dancing around it. It is much harder to decide to become resolute. In the time between last December and this July I have floated, mingled and dabbled because I now realise I needed that time to just stumble around a bit, stretching my legs. In this time I have learnt a great many things, made stupid decisions and faced ugly situations. But I still refused to steady myself because I was worried I would go and get stuck on the wrong thing, again. Some people believe in making haste and adapting quickly to solve matters of the heart because it will hurt less, but I believe in taking the time to recognise my weaknesses and feel the pain, to better build my resilience for the future.

The infamous magazine I mentioned was simple in its message: take care of yourself.
The podcast by a talented friend was helpful in its reminder: make plans.
And the new me is forgiving in its past mistakes: take one day at a time, and laugh more.

They sing what a difference a day makes, and I write what a difference a year makes. I guess I was about seven months behind schedule in my mind and heart clock and this fast forward has finally brought me up to my present, albeit via a path unexpected but fully embraced at every turn.

Photo credit: Janis Michael

Bag Lady

'How do you juggle it all?' I think more women are asked this question, especially since they become mothers (let's not get onto whether father's get asked this...) than at any other chapter in their lives. And I used to think that when you become a mother, or a 'grown-up' you just have to get on with it and juggle those damn balls faster and with less accidental drops. And that's what I struggled with for a long time. Trying to be the person that picks up more balls, juggles non-stop, and refuse to put a few down. For someone who has been earning my own keep since I finished school, working at whatever chance I got, signing up for the volunteering, and looking around for people to talk to and causes I can join, being open to any new conversations and connections, always ready to consider an offer or an option even if it doesn't come to anything, this willingness can be seen as being pushy or a pushover, being active or even a doormat.

In the culmination of all some of my thoughts, experiences, mistakes and wins I have in a very long and winded way come onto a path in the last few months that seems to be working for me for now.
This concept of 'juggling' is long dead and gone, in the past. For someone who has chosen to go ahead in life as a single parent juggling is just too risky. Too fickle. You cannot be juggling rocks your whole life. And juggling does not give you enough stick to really appreciate your days and times fully. Instead I have come upon a new concept for myself.

My bag concept. Carrying a full bag of shit that we do not need alongside those things we do genuinely need is too crowded. Learning to fill it with the right things for myself as well as for those around you is the skill I need to learn now.
For a long time I had the JUST IN CASE BAG, which has everything in it. Work and business being in debt, staff that you are blocking out, children and their right to an attentive parent, money and the lack of it, ideas and how they cause you sleepless nights, friends and the ones you cannot reach out to, family and the siblings you miss, housekeeping and the smelly sofa you cannot replace, pet cats and broken promises, self confidence and the excess weight, society and how more children are living in poverty. More a suitcase really. And the problem is the carrier of this bag can be mistaken for being all together and on top of it all, especially to themselves, when in fact she is straining and struggling underneath it all.
To be honest I still have this bag with me, albeit recently my back (my literal and physical back) gave away and had to see the doctor who said I need to stop carrying so much on my back. But this is life for many other people too and I realised we have to learn to see things for what they are, and so I have devised a small list of steps to use as a guideline for myself, which is ofcourse completely open to use and misuse.

Clean out your bag regularly because you don't need to be carrying useless things
Don't let it overflow but fill it with things you need and WANT
Let others carry your bag for you from time to time because they need to experience what you carry everyday
Bandages, tissues, hair bands, snacks are life's little things that make the hard times less painful, especially for those around you so don't underestimate their importance
Don't throw out a bag when they get tired. Have a small roster of bags to let them rest and mend.
Don't buy a bag without thinking about it very carefully. No-returns policy should be applied here.
Having said that, mistaken choices can be made. Don't cry over it.
And in the end if it's just not working out...find a different bag MENTALITY and know which to carry when.
For example:
THE CHILDREN TROLLEY because we don't have to carry them all the time, just give it a gentle push or a tug in the right direction
THE IDEAS SACK because they come in all shapes and sizes
THE CAREER TOTE because they need to perform but not define you
THE FUN CLUTCH because never lose a sense of joy in your life by swinging a colourful and pretty thing from you hands from time to time
THE INNER HOBO because you collect and pick up things from life and people around you everyday, doesn't have to mean much or they can be the inspiration you need
THE FAMILY SHOPPER because they come in all shapes and sizes and numbers, and you need them to carry your stuff
THE FRIENDSHIP FANNY PACK because they don't always look great or go with every outfit but they hold all your essentials and you'd be lost without them
THE PUNCH BAG because you don't want to really punch people but you need to release that frustration

Like the saying, if you are not happy where you are, move, you are not a tree. If your bag is overwhelming you, empty it and carry only the things you can, want or need. Do something about it but recognise that sometimes your life changes and so should your bag. Yes, people are not bags (even though some can feel like the punching sort, in which case see above point) or the heavy and dragging kind of contents of a bag either but like I said before, we have to learn to see things for what they are. Recognising what those around you are carrying is also useful here.
And very lastly, sometimes you just need to put that bag down. Like today, when I had this moment in time of just hanging out with myself, writing, drinking coffee and listening to Jeff Buckley. And in that moment letting my mind wander and think about people I love, that I lost, the things I want to do, the ideas I didn't know were inside me. All this would be so difficult with the strap of a heavy bag digging into my shoulders.