It's been just over a year since my last blog and it seems like a lot has happened, in fact so much has happened and so many thoughts have been tossed around in my head and on paper that it feels like an endless task to recount it all. Hence one of my new year's resolutions is to write more so this feeling of being burdened by my thoughts doesn't feel so burdensome anymore. I suppose the web is littered with blogs with people's new years resolutions and the witty and quirky self deprecation that goes with each one. However since the year 2010 started i have been particularly full of thoughts that its presence feels merely like a consequence rather than a timing issue.
For the last year my work, which I have in some ways complained about, has been prosperous in many ways and very educational in others. I have been learning to realise things and feel my way around...living. Living in an environment that although I'm not used to has initially been about learning to adapt and the sort of 'facing a big new world with valour' sort of thing which I had put upon myself to swallow. Watching Mongolian films, reading Mongolian books, listening to Mongolian music and completely giving myself away to my Mongolian fiance. And after a year, as much as I'm glad to have made this decision, if I had been aware of what it would involve I cannot be certain that I would make the same decision. It hasn't been especially difficult as it may be perceived by you reader. It has been tiresome. I have realised that despite my valour to immerse myself into Mongolia and my work, I have neglected almost all of my previous life and environment. Since the new year started I have been thirsty for my previous environment. I crave films, news, sound, colour and ideas and conversations like the way a parched throat craves water but doesn't realise. I have been so intent on adaptation that I have forgotten myself and what makes me feel alive and able to carry on. It's especially at this time and place, where I'm somewhere new and tough which I have never been in before, that I need to surround myself with familiar feelings.
Adaptability is important and I feel like I have done it somewhat successfully but at the expense of my essence being diminished to an extent. And now that this has been realised I want to drink as much as possible from the oasis that is life, one that is not limited to geography or culture. This feeling was within me when I first arrived...the feeling of wanting to achieve as much as I aimed for and wanting to be happy and challenged. And after some period the colour of this feeling had dulled but not diluted.
Other than this revelation within myself there has been other many thoughts...mostly to do with the way my life is going, how my work is affecting me, where I want to be and what I want to do. In a way the ability to look at the bigger picture and realising that you are a person with a life, plan and wants and needs, and importantly that other people accept this, despite you not sometimes being prepared to believe it yourself.
I have thought about babies and marriage...my previous thoughts and plans in this regard have very much been based on what is 'best' 'right' and 'appropriate' rather than what i actually want and feel. For instance, I had always thought that I can have a baby while working and continue work and have a family and 'juggle' like the woman in the painkiller advert in the UK...you can do it all...as long as you have a mild drug for assistance! I truly believed I can do it and that it was possible. Not that I have been proven wrong, on the contrary, I have had the benefit of shattering my own illusions prior to any actual events mentioned above taking place. Now I feel that perhaps when I do get pregnant and have the baby I want to stay at home and raise my child. Give that person everything it deserves and more, and not feel like I'm sacrificing because it's my choice. Also, now that work seems to be settling and that I'm gaining relative confidence in my abilities and achievements so far, it doesn't feel so scary to consider doing another job or being without a job. Maybe the presence of some funds in my account and the confidence gained from a somewhat successful work effort have affected this. All the same, it's comforting to be able to hear my own thoughts and take them in.
For me it's very encouraging to have a rather positive attitude at the beginning of the new year and with hope it shall continue until ofcourse the next big hurdle, because as I believe everything has to balance. Now a tone of fear has punctured into my happy bubble so best to end here.
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