It's almost sad to think that autumn is here because it means the end of summer, the smell of outside, leaves, flowers and the relaxed atmosphere from the air evaporates. When I could just step out of the door into the warm day that will encase me and welcome me. And at night the air becomes so still, I can almost hear the whole world, and yet it's full of life.
But now, as much as autumn is welcome from the heat that is summer in Mongolia, because I get to wrap myself warm in my cardigans and cashmere things, wear layers, wool tights and scarves indoors, autumn makes me think about change.
If I was a child I will be starting a new year of school, possibly at a new school or change of class. If I was an elderly I might be thinking about increasing the dosage of whatever medicine I'm most likely to be on, and even thinking about shopping for more cashmere. If I had a child I will most likely be adapting to that child's changing rhythm in life. If I was a tree I will watch my leaves turn colour and fly away from me.
More importantly, it reminds me that the year is coming to an end and my mind naturally wanders towards the things I have not been able to achieve, do, see, create. So it's a little bitter. For those who are optimisitc maybe autumn means you get to plan your next year, because we all know that once winter settles in it's all about the survival (in any given country i presume) and Christmas-how to oversome it intact and without excess fat ony our body.
So, despite writing down my resolutions at the beginning of each year, I like to put more thought into what I wanted to do this year, in autumn. Just so the 'emotional cutter' in me can dwell on missed opportunities and forgotten plans. I got that phrase from Candace Bushnell, more precisely Sex and the City, because it's what I do, and what I think many other women do too. Going over the past in minute detail so we can fiure out what we should have said, done or NOT done in many cases.
This year I wanted to travel, to California precisely. Although I had a feeling that it's most likely not going to happen this summer, I still built myself up for the possibility. Again, emotionally unbalanced. I wanted financially to be in a position where I can travel more, in Mongolia, outside of Mongolia. I want to go to Ereen and spend a decent amount of time exploring. I want to go on a road trip to places I've not been.
I want to create something. A lot of what I do is negiations, discussions, movement and processes. Creating something is a rare opportunity. One that came last June when through the above mentioned acts that I carry out we created a Book Ger-for kids to be able to read. Read about what they can see, what they can't see and what they've never thought about seeing.
Someone I met a while back suggested that I write a little bit everyday. I haven't taken this advise very seriously until recently.
The work I'm doing now is in the field that I've always wanted to be in, without seriously considering it as an option.
The little things I had thought about doing is coming back to me-almost reminding me to reconsider it and take that road. Trees, wood, the outside, nature, life. The things I wanted to do hasn't been going according to plan as much but the things I hadn't thought about much is gently pushing its way through, out into the open. When things happen that seem to be connected somehow, in a positive and familliar way, I've learnt to recognise it and go with it. Forcing something to happen is not good.
So my autumn bitterness from years before haven't completely evaporated like the summer air but it's taking on a new direction. I hope this hasn't got much to do with the fact that I'm growing older (maybe just UP)and with a less full diary and circle of 'friends.' Because I'm enjoying having this sort of time to myself to think and not have the need to go out all the time and prove myself. If this sense of relaxtion and peace is what growing up means, please, can I have more?
Ofcourse, one huge part of my life is my fiance, and without his presence to ground me, this will be a bitter blog. Despite not being able to travel together and do the things we've talked about and dreamed about, I know that California will be there, Ereen will be there and we will be there. I love hime very much and I hope he gets to feel that everyday.
There were lists I had made with things I wanted to do and try, waiting to be ticked off. Almost like a race against the time. And that's not how I want to be like anymore. I had written in my diary recently to 'list the little things, remember the big things and enjoy the moment'-a bumper sticker that I want to take to heart.
Last night I saw Grey Gardens on HBO. My god did I want to talk to somebody about it afterwards. Wanting to run away, but unable-having to face whether you stopped yourself or somebody you love held you back. This and nature, and contemplation...themes that are bringing itself up for me to look, and acknowlege.
A complete change of attitude, mood and energy levels...things that my poor fiance have to deal with, and for some time my little sister that I'm looking after. She's the dearest thing to me now, with a heart of gold. But I will be better. I will be 'selective' of my thoughts (another catchphrase from a move..gues?!), which consequently controls my moods and attitude.
Exercise and coffee. My current remedies. And good food to warm the soul.
Outpouring over. Back to work.
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