Out of love not fear

I read a long way back, somewhere I can't remember, that people only ever do things for two reasons. Either out of love or out of fear. If this is true then there's a lot of loving I need to do. I always wished that I did something creative with my life, but I chose to study and work in a field that's all about mending and lending. I feared that I won't be good at anything creative or feared that it might fail. So something sturdy and dependable was what I was going to do with my llife. I'm ofcourse referring to the time when I was a 17 year old girl with no idea.

There's a book called WHAT I KNOW NOW-Letters to My Younger Self (http://www.letterstomyyoungerself.com/books/what-i-know-now) which I read in 2 days, whilst looking after my little baby (it's short) and it just rang so close to me that I often think back to all the bits of everyone's letters that I find comforting. If only I read this then, at 17, or had someone to tell me it'll be alright and just do your best but only if you love it... Yes, this is very American and we're all brought up to mock the Americans right? But it's still lifting and the book came to me at a time I needed it most. I think that's the best reason for writing a book, isn't it? Macy Gray's letter was especially close to my heart.

I'm sure many people have written themselves a letter to their younger self-I want to and will, when I get the time. But this entry is mostly about why I'm taking the time to do this blog, and you guessed it, it's in the title. Now that my Arvis is nearing 6 months and we've gotten to know each other quite well, I'm slowling peeling myself away from him so that some form of my self can be re-shaped. And I want to do so much! 

It must be true when people say that you've got to go there to come back. I feel that I've gone all the way over to the edge, on all levels in the last few months, and amidst all the fog I lost myself. And then, suddenly it all became so clear and so bright. I wouldn't say it was the book alone (it's not the Bible!) but it was combinations of reading more, going outside more, the sun shining for the first time in weeks, being able to put Arvis to sleep like a pro, having a little envy of all the things I'm missing out on (blame Facebook!), missing my friends, realising that I had become so cynical and self destructive, all of which have made me want to do something a little creative, a little selfish and a lot more fun than watching CBeebies. Also, this blog let's me fulfil my new year's resolution number 10-write, create, produce. And number 7-stay in touch with friends (or at least I can type at 3am and they can read, and vice versa).

The baby's still small but everything I do for him and everyone else is out of love and not fear, except for going to Spin class because I fear that I'll not fit into my and very tight trousers!

Here's what fills me with love and joy.

Live joyously, love fearlessly and work tirelessly.