As children we learn
to apologise for our wrong doings to make peace, to get what we want and/or because we are really very sorry but as we get older we become more and more
convinced of our own knowledge, abilities and correctness over others that we get a bit cocky don't we? Especially to our parents. And so even in instances
where we ARE wrong and we KNOW it, we fail to apologise for our actions. Let’s
not even get into our wrong (or at least not so nice) thoughts about others
or their actions. But in reality, there is nothing more humbling than genuine words of sorry, and asking for
forgiveness that makes you realise how much it let’s you really connect with
others. And why particularly your parents? Because they’re likely the people
you know the best and for the longest time because growing up you've tested them the most with your grief, and their despair and worry, so most positive and negative aspects of your life are likely be wrapped around your relationship with your parents, and therefore it's probably brimming with unsaid as well as very loudly said issues. Hitting on the biggest nail first makes the others easier, and we all owe it to our parents. Perhaps you don’t even have to
do anything dreadful to say sorry-whether you snapped at your mum in a moment of
weakness; whether there is a long held back apology due for genuinely not knowing any better, which you hope they know you're sorry for but have never actually said.
All this will let you prevent (or undo, depending on the colour of one's soul:) the building up of long term guilt for not being able to verbalise all your 'sorry's, especially to people who you care about, which is a regretful thing because carrying around that non-specific but still all consuming cloud of emotion can make you resentful, towards the very people you can, and should, say sorry to. And I'm sure there's a pretty sizable bag that we all carry around. Internalising various thoughts and feeling, be it positive or negative, as I
found out recently, is not healthy (and the reasons for it is a whole other topic on passive aggressiveness, which I will cover at another point). And how did I finally 'realise' this? By doing the opposite of internalising-by opening myself up to the feelings I
avoided, the confrontations I shied away from, the straight looks in their eyes I feared. This exposure that I thought was frightening actually makes you so light
and free and bouncy it's almost heartbreaking. Why heartbreaking? Because you suddenly realise what you’ve been missing out on by holding onto that resentment. By letting yourself open up,
being brave and facing things head on, with a lot of effort ofcourse, I feel
very simply happy. I will not quote something Zen or zeitgeisty like ‘the truth
will set you free’ as we’ve (mostly) all grown up with and are tired of these soundbites that will supposedly solve our problems, but I
will say that consequently this happiness allows me to feel more and be open to myself.
This is important discovery for me because I can now deal with one of many issues in my life by looking at it with new eyes and a happy heart. To expand, people today are so overwhelmingly occupied with friends, family, work, hobbies and projects (it's fair to say we all personally know people who are juggling hard and fast) that it is often assumed the best way to deal
with them is to compartmentalise in order to prevent yourself from going mad
from the ever growing number of things to deal with, roles to embody and
emotions to restrain. I like to think that I’ve had good practice at this compartmentalising thing as
soon as I ventured out into the world of ‘grown-up’ after moving to Mongolia, because I’ve always been
one to take on another project, another idea, another interest. And as much as
I enjoyed them all, looking back perhaps it was more the satisfaction one gets
from getting things done and acquiring ticks on my to-do list more than genuine
fondness. Maybe this is why more and more of my 'things’ felt like burdens,
items to avoid, and eventually resentment for taking my efforts and energy away from what is important.
So, by learning and knowing how to say sorry, and consequently discovering how to be happier, I'm beginning to realise, just shy of turning 30, perhaps I need to let my heart permeate through every one of the compartments in my life that I want to keep. Not bad for a little soul digging. And now I feel like I've come a little bit closer to understanding for myself some of the things that were shouted at my generation from songs, books,
magazines and TV. Somethings AREN’T better left unsaid, unless they’re unkind
words. Because sorry seems to be the hardest word. It’s never too late to apologise.
*Sorry for the cheesy roundup of quotes.
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