Existential crisis?

Someone I know has made the decision to quit work and move to the Mongolian countryside and live off the fat of the land as a herder, with his girlfriend. They're both highly educated and smart people with distinct voices and opinions and I don't mean to portray the girlfriend as an after thought but I'm afraid to this day we haven't met, despite my suspicions that we might get on real fine. Their decision has made me think about myself and what I want also. Ever since I returned to the UK minus my son and carrying with me a new found determination to do the best I can for him, there's also been some thoughts on what to do after this? Come the end of summer a decision must be made, like for everyone else in the world for whom their life is at the crossroads.

I'm a lucky person in that I grew up with the opportunity that many from Mongolia did not and do not have. My family has provided me and my brother and sister with the best possible start in life. Education and the chance to live a life of heightened awareness, especially when it comes to the complete polarity of life in Mongolia and in the UK. Considering the period in which we were born and grew up, I'm pretty sure thousands more young families and couples had also braced themselves for the tough times ahead and dedicated their lives for their children by choosing to move abroad and work countless hours making ends meet. These children grew up across the world in countries away from their home, friends and families, with some even losing touch with their backgrounds and language. I had always wished I grew up with my grandparents and cousins, and grew older with the children from my class at my first elementary school in Ulaanbaatar. The said person who's moving to the countryside is a classmate from this class and we found each other on Facebook of all places.

Over 20 years since the democratic movement in Mongolia has passed and now these children of the world have grown up-a time to consider about their futures and their own families has come. I know I have much to think about. Naturally many has the potential to become great leaders in their country in all fields, because on top of education, I believe they (and I) can appreciate the circumstances of their lives and perhaps grew up with a sense of desire to come back home and see things improve. Many has started to make the move back towards Mongolia either academically or career wise, however I sense a quite revolution coming, manifesting itself in changes that my above mentioned friend has made; careers in high end professions being shunned to do things their way; and in my case my wish to just spend time with my family and live in a country that I call my home.

For too many years I've lived a nomadic life where it's always been about moving onto the next pasture. Same goes for my parents and the parents of many others I presume. Even when I was living in Mongolia for a while after graduating I felt that it was always about the big job, the big opportunity, the people you must meet and know, the meeting you must attend and mingle. I doubt many of us who moved back even temporarily had any real idea of what Mongolia is and how beautiful it is. A sense of obligation and duty may be there but passion can only grow from within.

I envy the two people who've decided to live in a felt ger and I wish more people would do the same. But I'm also proud of a friend who quit an executive job because she didn't believe in it anymore no matter how important the position was. Another very good friend of mine chose to start at the very bottom even though her connections, education and even her desire to do good is way and above her superiors, because she wants to learn about her country rather than be delivered to a 'big' position that she would have otherwise been able to arrange had she wanted. Many people are starting to feel their own worth and value, and the potential contributions they can make as their own person, rather than as part of the machine that churns out policy makers and big shot project coordinators. They are not in a hurry because they believe in themselves. Enough to wait for the right time and opportunity, or better yet to make it for themselves.

As far as I'm concerned, despite a slight existential crisis, like everyone else at a certain time in their lives, concerning my plans for the future, I now feel less pressure for myself to go back and find the big job and join the rat race. Maybe because I miss my son so much or maybe because I did grow up with the privilege of choice, either way I would rather do what makes me happy. And how important that ends up being to the development of my country, only time will tell.

This time last year

Like I mentioned in my last entry I'm now somewhat available. I mean, I can now be engaged in personal interest without being compromised by personal responsibilities so much. Yay! So I've been looking through the folders on my desktop that contain the things I wanted to read, the pictures I really liked and just stowed way for later, ideas I wanted to explore but never got to, in folders called INBOX or NEXT ACTIONS, a la Getting Things Done systems. I want to show my appreciation for my friend Fel J Cruz for showing what life can be like organised, and although I haven't quite mastered the system I think it'll be something that I can attempt during this period of relative freedom (April-July 2013-will otherwise be known as the Teenager Again Times).

Which brings me onto the theme of this entry. This time last year I was in Coventry having had my baby 6 months earlier and slowly trying to reconnect with the world and wanting to find ways to express myself as someone other than just a new mum. So I re-started blogging, opened an account with Flavors, Tumblr, Pinterest and became more active on LinkedIn. It does sound a bit overboard now but at the time I was desperate to join in the debates and be a part of society again. I make having a baby sound like a jail term, and it's not, but it's not easy when you haven been living the 21st century before either.

Thus, I've been unearthing years of my personal self from my own hard drive, my list of bookmarks as well things I've written, and getting to know myself again. It's strangely life affirming to realise that even though time has passed there are some things that remain the same about me. At times of confidence crisis I would recommend keeping and going to a folder called INSPIRATIONS. And looking through my Pinterest boards I found my board called Mood of March which seems to indicate that I was in the mood to get back into shape, as well as trying to get my stuff together. This was a plan to pin images as a visual recordings of how I felt at the time, maybe because images can sometimes say things without even trying to. And an empty board stands for the Mood of April.
So, a year has passed since my journey of self discovery and although I haven't followed through with this plan, and indeed other plans with Tumblr for example (even though I have made some efforts with this blog), it hasn't been a complete time of limbo. It seems I made the decision to start my Masters during summer and processed my application, during which many interesting things happened looking back on my entries such as working part time, making new friends, being a wife and taking it relatively easy in the summer which never happened for me since 2009. And now, since the study started it almost seems like it's nearly over. And back to April-a blank board. A funny deja vu perhaps?

I'll start of April like this and work on it.

Teenager again

Recently I've made the decision for my son to live with his dad, my husband, in Mongolia during the time I have to finish my third and last term of my Masters degree. In this time I will try to put all my efforts and energy into finishing my studies and starting my dissertation research. Considering the amount of money spent as investment for our future and the times spent apart from my husband, I don't want all this effort to go to nothing by not achieving the best I can in my studies. Thus the very easy decision to leave my son in Mongolia has been made and the very very hard times of living with that decision has come.

The last 5 days being away from Arvis has been strange and unfamiliar. So far we've spoken three times a day, I've sung numerous amounts of songs and read all his books, on Skype! Despite the few teary conversations, I'm feeling ok.  Ofcourse I miss him so much but I'm comforted by the fact that he is being looked after and cared for by the people who love him the most, and feel that he is a lucky boy to have a good family on both sides. But funnily enough, my mum had also made this decision when she was my age, and I lived with my grandparents for a year. And now she is re-living the days of her leaving me behind, with feelings of guilt and sadness, and trying her best at reassuring me that Arvis is ok.

With Arvis ok, and my husband and I generally getting back into the life of being apart, I realise that I suddenly have all this time on my hand. Yes study is paramount but for the first time I have so much space and time to just be by myself. Not exactly young, free and single but actually older, married and duty-bound, however I have this strange period ahead of me where I will be away from all this and concentrate on myself. Watching the movies I wanted to watch, going for runs and getting lost in books. Making plans and dreaming about the future ahead, e-mailing people I forgot to get in touch with and generally having this great chance to catch-up as well as expand myself. If teenage years were realised as a time of potential then we'd all have gotten so far, and since most of us don't this is my teenage time, with a little bit more knowledge and awareness to make the most of it.