Let's talk breastfeeding

Having grown up in the UK there are many things I find interesting if not baffling living in Mongolia as an adult. One of which is child rearing culture differences. Breastfeeding in public is major topic at the moment with several campaigns in support of this practice. In the UK major retailers and networking groups are behind this effort to make it a normal experience for mothers to breastfeed their babies. I personally support this as it's such a normal thing to do in my Mongolian opinion, not to mention the very real and valuable health benefits for newborns. In fact almost everyone I know who are Mongolian with no question believe mothers should feed their babies with their breast milk, full stop. No opinions, no discussions. I even had a man I work with asking me to do something tiny for work during my maternity leave but very cautiously apologising for exposing my baby to screen time on my laptop. And so the Mongolian culture of valuing breastfeeding mothers, mothers in general and placing so much value and preciousness on a newborn baby never fails to amaze me from time to time.Which is probably why the concept of breastfeeding rooms or corners in public places were never really needed here.

However, I find that with any issue that has such significance in society, there are tendencies for it to go too far also. In this instance the shaming of mothers who do not breastfeed, either out of choice or because they just simply cannot. The almost judgmental tone of an opinionated relative who narrows their eyes in silence when you tell them you've stopped breastfeeding can be pretty intimidating. Nothing can be a more personal issue and yet because of its wide acceptance in society people also believe it's everyone's else's right to have a say in your own decision.

And of course in societies where the change is trying to be made there are small groups who also take it further. 'Attached parenting' is term that's been getting a bit fashionable in the UK and USA. Having read about it a little I realised it's basically a fancy name for what almost every Mongolian family I know practice (Mongolia seems to be trending again following goji berries, cupping, goat and camel milk). Cosleeping-check. Breastfeeding on demand (sometimes until 4 years old!)-check. Carrying constantly-check. Many thoughts and expert opinions in both camps alike but it all sounds so high pressure to try and do parenting a certain style.

For me, parenting is a crazy and exhausting experience that never fails to enlighten me a little bit everyday. And it's not easier the second time round either. Less panic but still f-ing up. There is no perfect way to be a parent especially during the first few months, which for me is not always the best. There, I said it. I'm just that kind of mum. As cute and gorgeous smelling as they are in infancy, babies are hard work and I urge other mums (and also dads) who feel bad about saying this out loud to not be. I look forward to my kids growing bigger and telling me jokes, visiting museums together and talking about books we've read. So please don't shame those mum's who are just hanging on day by day until the sun shines brighter.

If anybody wants to talk about these issues with me or need some guidance, I'm going to be starting a support group for new parents soon called LAB (Life After Birth). Keep an eye out for more info, or message me if you want to join.

Music of my youth

Some people have a very profound relationship with music and seem to need it from such a deep place. Whilst others really don't respond it to it so much but simply enjoy it where they hear it-not sure which is better but ultimately I suppose it's not about what's better or right. Music for me has always been a changing presence in my life where I would listen to it or respond to it differently depending on what my life is like at the time. It can sometimes resurrect memories; connect me to my emotions; allow me to escape me emotions; change my mood; uplift me and even let me just drift without the loneliness of silence.

I remember being a teenager when everything was that bit more elevated-my emotions, my thoughts, my expectations, my dreams. And during this time I now look back on the music that listened to and how it changed and shaped me. Many of the albums and musicians I listened to growing up was stuff made in that time (the 90s and the millenium) and perhaps because that was my growing up time I still believe that it was one of the best times in music. I may be biased in wanting to big up the 'good ol' days' however this was a time when we had no social media, text messaging was just starting, people carried pagers and we did pretty much what we actually really liked instead of being told by people to like this and dislike that. I personally like to think that a lot of very important information was obtained from magazines like Shout and Mizz and felt confident in the rather wholesome and gentle guidance that even the agony aunts would write about, whereas today anyone with an internet connection is an 'expert' and we must constantly look for the most up to date and latest information. I write this today because I read a while back that for the first time in history the sales of old music has surpassed that of new releases and this for me is very relatable because people I think know what they enjoy and what is good, especially when it comes music, and older music was made and listened to without all this fuss and noise that we get from today's music. So they are genuinely very enjoyable to listen to. If a good friend of mine who is a music fiend is reading this I'm sure she'll have a lot to say about my thoughts but that's the magic of music-it can unite or divide people and I hope the following unites fellow lovers of music from their youth! We should all continue to listen to our favourite music no matter what.

Des’ree-Supernatural
This is an absolute old time favourite album that lifts my mood and I always end up singing along to it. Plus it was one of those first of many CDs I bought with my own money (all collected from weekly pocket money) and felt so grown up.

Zero 7-Simple Things
My above mentioned friend introduced me to this (among all the albums by Daft Punk!) and it instantly takes me to amazing places.

Corrs-Talk On Corners
Catchy and lovely pop songs perfect in the car. And yes, I AM a girl after all.

N.E.R.D-In Search Of...
What can I say, I like my music funky and loud and this is when I could watch MTV all day long.
(Can't get the link here for some reason...)

Moby-Play
Absolutely gut wrenching at times and full of nostalgia from my days of school and discovering all sorts of emotions. My all time favourites.

Macklemore-Heist
I like to think that I'm still young but I fell in love with this album after my teenage days but before my full blown adult mode. It still makes me feel like a kid when I listen to it, especially when I go jogging and totally forget about the pain in my legs!

Ash-Free All Angels
Reminds me of days spent in the park, lying on the grass and maybe even sneaking a can of beer.

Jeff Buckley-Grace
Most moody and aching girls have gone through this phase I think but he's still a legend.

Dirty Three-all albums
Music that is all engulfing and takes you to places. Instrumental but it cannot be any other way.

Joanna Newsom-Milk Eyed Mender
This is a real crowd divider. I love her because I discovered her when I was growing a lot as a person so pure personal reasons.

This post has given me real highs just thinking of these amazing musical creations. I could go on for several dozen more albums but then I'll need more wine...anybody care to join?

Millenial woman

It's been that long since I've taken a break from blogging, and suffice to say, I'm not short of topics to write about. End of my Dissertation Writing Project, start of my real full time job, learning the ways of a slightly twisted and yet perfectly 'normal' social values in Mongolia, starting and then restarting attempts at becoming healthy, bypassing the seven year touching stone of my coupledom, breaking out into social spheres and trying to make new friends in my 'older' years. Lots to write about, and yet, it seems I've lived through them all without writing about it.

I read an article recently that more and more millennial women are choosing to leave work with stress, pressure, under appreciation as the main reasons. And having been in full time work for the last two years I realized upon reading this that I too have become one of these women. I enjoy the ambition that I breed at work, the fears I have to overcome when making the shots no one else is willing to, the camaraderie that is created with co workers, the belief that you’re doing something worthwhile your time even if not entirely your capacity (but are striving everyday), and because of these and the all-consuming experience you don't notice much the tough sides.Tough bosses, tough deadlines tough budgets, tough environment.

Then the day comes when you realise you’ve had enough and surely there is more in life….

Some women (who are feminists by nature) might say stop holding yourself back and they may themselves decide to play the game in a mostly male corporate world and win, by being the change you want to see. With a huge push towards equality and support for women in the workplace in the last few years through social media and high profile initiatives this is a very topical issue. An article in the Guardian recently touched on this precisely by citing only 5% of the FTSE100 company's CEO was women, and bankers are mostly men because it's such a masculine environment, which was an issue highlighted by one of my favourite British contemporary artists Grayson Perry-I urge you to read this if only for a view of his very in-your-face piece.
But in the other camp there are other people, predominantly women, who are ardently feminist and who say (at least I hope) do what you want, what makes you happy. There are of course many other issues in the world and wanting world peace is pretty high on the priority list. But ultimately, if we are not here to be happy then what is the point? In my opinion, those who are messing things up (bankers) and those are are hurting others are deep down not happy people.
My issue is I always challenge myself internally by seeking the opposing views just to test my theories (part of decision making process from work I've not been able to shake off) and the opposing view to this would be, this is only an issue because I am fortunate enough to be in a position where I can make these decision (yep, middle class problems…). But what made me sway was getting pregnant again and , ultimately, being so happy that leaving work behind seemed such an obvious decision.

And quite honestly, in this time I’ve found myself again. I've bonded with my son again. I've spent time with my family, brother and sisters. I've finally caught up with Game of Thrones (haha, yes, because this is very important!). Watching movies never fails to lift me up and having realised I've starved myself of this one pleasure I've been on a marathon run of movies, TV, music and reading. And out of this experience second time round I've learnt that my son is actually a great kid. I’ve also learnt that I should be healthier and fitter. Current affairs feels strangely inclusive when you give the time to pay attention to it-I felt a part of the world again. Taking time off to rest and prepare for a second baby and the birth has been the best decision I’ve made. Financially crippling yes, but still best decision. And now having had the baby, I'm glad the timing has gone well work wise as well as state of mind wise. Of course super glad and grateful to have had a healthy and wonderful new boy, again.

Some people think having a baby is a step back or down. Some think it’s a much earned rest (hah, only if you’re not breastfeeding every two hours!) For men, staying at home to look after the kids is apparently perceived as a chance to write that book (sorry, one more of many Guardian articles on this issue but this one particularly made me laugh). For me, I've discovered it’s a chance to discover myself again. Sometimes, just space and a bit of time makes everything clear. No, this is not a guide, just my thoughts on my particular experience at this point in my life. Harvard research says you’re most stressed mid 20s to mid 30s in the journey of life. I feel like I’ve bought myself a first class ticket. 

*I have not explained what 'millenial woman' means here because frankly I will write a book. Instead this is my thoughts on one aspect of what I understand to be a millenial woman's journey in life.

Remember how to say sorry to your parents

As children we learn to apologise for our wrong doings to make peace, to get what we want and/or because we are really very sorry but as we get older we become more and more convinced of our own knowledge, abilities and correctness over others that we get a bit cocky don't we? Especially to our parents. And so even in instances where we ARE wrong and we KNOW it, we fail to apologise for our actions. Let’s not even get into our wrong (or at least not so nice) thoughts about others or their actions. But in reality, there is nothing more humbling than genuine words of sorry, and asking for forgiveness that makes you realise how much it let’s you really connect with others. And why particularly your parents? Because they’re likely the people you know the best and for the longest time because growing up you've tested them the most with your grief, and their despair and worry, so most positive and negative aspects of your life are likely be wrapped around your relationship with your parents, and therefore it's probably brimming with unsaid as well as very loudly said issues. Hitting on the biggest nail first makes the others easier, and we all owe it to our parents. Perhaps you don’t even have to do anything dreadful to say sorry-whether you snapped at your mum in a moment of weakness; whether there is a long held back apology due for genuinely not knowing any better, which you hope they know you're sorry for but have never actually said.  If you are truly sorry for anything the rightful owner of that apology probably feels it and thinks about it too. And if they’ve forgotten about it, there’s nothing nicer than hearing someone say sorry because it is harder than saying ‘thank you’ and means more And when you learn to say sorry to your parents, learn to say it to your friends, colleagues, staff, children even-I promise it's much easier than saying it to your parents.

All this will let you prevent (or undo, depending on the colour of one's soul:) the building up of long term guilt for not being able to verbalise all your 'sorry's, especially to people who you care about, which is a regretful thing because carrying around that non-specific but still all consuming cloud of emotion can make you resentful, towards the very people you can, and should, say sorry to. And I'm sure there's a pretty sizable bag that we all carry around. Internalising various thoughts and feeling, be it positive or negative, as I found out recently, is not healthy (and the reasons for it is a whole other topic on passive aggressiveness, which I will cover at another point). And how did I finally 'realise' this? By doing the opposite of internalising-by opening myself up to the feelings I avoided, the confrontations I shied away from, the straight looks in their eyes I feared. This exposure that I thought was frightening actually makes you so light and free and bouncy it's almost heartbreaking. Why heartbreaking? Because you suddenly realise what you’ve been missing out on by holding onto that resentment. By letting yourself open up, being brave and facing things head on, with a lot of effort ofcourse, I feel very simply happy. I will not quote something Zen or zeitgeisty like ‘the truth will set you free’ as we’ve (mostly) all grown up with and are tired of these soundbites that will supposedly solve our problems, but I will say that consequently this happiness allows me to feel more and be open to myself. 

This is important discovery for me because I can now deal with one of many issues in my life by looking at it with new eyes and a happy heart. To expand, people today are so overwhelmingly occupied with friends, family, work, hobbies and projects (it's fair to say we all personally know people who are juggling hard and fast) that it is often assumed the best way to deal with them is to compartmentalise in order to prevent yourself from going mad from the ever growing number of things to deal with, roles to embody and emotions to restrain. I like to think that I’ve had good practice at this compartmentalising thing as soon as I ventured out into the world of ‘grown-up’ after moving to Mongolia, because I’ve always been one to take on another project, another idea, another interest. And as much as I enjoyed them all, looking back perhaps it was more the satisfaction one gets from getting things done and acquiring ticks on my to-do list more than genuine fondness. Maybe this is why more and more of my 'things’ felt like burdens, items to avoid, and eventually resentment for taking my efforts and energy away from what is important. 

So, by learning and knowing how to say sorry, and consequently discovering how to be happier, I'm beginning to realise, just shy of turning 30, perhaps I need to let my heart permeate through every one of the compartments in my life that I want to keep. Not bad for a little soul digging. And now I feel like I've come a little bit closer to understanding for myself some of the things that were shouted at my generation from songs, books, magazines and TV. Somethings AREN’T better left unsaid, unless they’re unkind words. Because sorry seems to be the hardest word. It’s never too late to apologise.

*Sorry for the cheesy roundup of quotes.

The EU Referendum is more than about remaining or leaving

I came to the UK for the first time when I was nine years old with my mum and younger brother. By the time we had settled in Tony Blair and his newly elected Labour party was in government and it was a time of great opportunities. At the time I was far from understanding the significance of this change in British politics or the policies that shaped millions of people's lives in the consequent years to come. My brother and I, with absolutely zero English at the time, were just trying to figure out how to fit in at school and my mum working two jobs whilst taking English as a Second Language (ESL) course. You see, at the time a foreigner was able to enter the UK on a student visa and bring along dependent children, and at the same time work to support themselves. The economics of such a situation today will not obviously hold up because housing prices, living costs and general availability of resources is set so high against the economic migrant. The 'burden' is too great.

Nevertheless, despite my mum working non-stop, us moving around constantly and changing schools, we slowly became engaged and immersed in British life and adopted the culture, the history, the politics and the life that was available for us then. 

Yes, I didn't know what custard was, or know why children called their grandmother 'nan', or why lunch was called 'dinner.' Not knowing the language meant there was initially a huge barrier for me to understand these everyday simple things until much later, and by then I had grown a sense of  wariness about asking about such obvious things that British children would normally grow up with at home. Even though my mum had said our English was improving much faster than her's all three of us didn't know any better. There was a sense of pride in me but also a fear that I will be found out as a phoney so there was always, still to this day, a strong willingness to teach myself and learn everything I possibly could myself as a way of 'catching-up'. 

Outside of formal education system (which was tough to begin with but Wherever we lived our local library (Paddington especially comes to mind) was our haven, where we'd spend weekends reading and then checking out the maximum number of books, which was 15 then. So much of our childhood is wrapped up in time spent at Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens roller skating, feeding ducks, running around in the playgrounds. Another time, we lived near Fulham Broadway and our local swimming pool and sports centre was a mandatory weekly visit where we paid a pound to swim all day in the massive splash pool with whirlpools and giants slides! And later, as I got older I roamed around the (free!) art galleries and museums of London, stripped off any pretension or studies in 'important' art work to know any better but to just enjoy everything I see. I spent days walking around Ladbroke Grove, Portobello and Notting Hill-not understanding that the area was one of the best places (then) to experience different cultures, aesthetics, food and music. I never took for granted the that fact that we were able to move to this weird and wonderful country that gave us such a huge array of opportunities, which gave the foundations of the lives we are able to build for ourselves today, and will continue to shape us, and even our children into the future.

And this is why I'm writing this very extended piece. Today I see the immigration issue in the UK through the eyes of someone who was an immigrant, and who has benefited in immeasurable amounts from having started my life here. I see young families from various Eastern European countries at the park, in the swimming pools, at the school gates and in supermarkets, and it looks really familiar to me. That subtle appreciation for life and what it offers them. I realise that many people have fallen through the cracks of immigration policy in the UK and many married couples have been failed by attempts at controlling immigration. The current system is far from perfect. And so is the governing framework of the EU. But I think it will be such a shame if thousands of families are denied a chance to immigrate to the UK and start a life that would offer so much opportunities.

And as much as there are larger macro economic issues to consider and ways of tackling them, I hope with all my heart that at least with respect to the immigration issue, the people of the UK extend their borders and hearts even more so than ever for people across Europe. Because there will be many children of such immigrants in 20 years time with a lot to be grateful for, just like me.