Idesh-winter's stock

Traditional English winter consists of humming boilers, grey skies, wet slush not snow, pre sale sales that tickle your compulsiveness, xmas number one races, buy one get one free offers at Boots for boxed presents, lots of cheap red wine and queueing at the ticket machines to top up my oyster card in the blistering cold.
I bring up this topic because recently I've been hvaing meals with red meat, which came from my winter's idesh. I didn't think much of it until stopped and I realised how bizarre this is. Whilst christmas and winter in England pan out as I mentioned above, Mongolian winter is a little bit more primal. Herders and famillies who live in the countryside ofcourse eat teir own animal whilst city folk like I buy them from the supermarket or meat market. Or at least that's what I thought until a couple of years ago when I started to understand the concept of idesh. I had heard in passing that word and vaguely understood that it involved a lot of meat for the winter. But only recently, as in a few months back, have I fully understood that all Mongolians, city folk or country men, kill an animal in preparation for winter and stock it up until spring time. I may sound a bit dim because I have a feeling farmers and people with land and animals anywhere in the world has similar plans for their winter. People in Mongolia who has no land or animals usually have relatives and relatives of relatives who live in the coutnryside so they 'book' their idesh. "One cow for Mr and Mrs Jones, delivered preferably before December will be jolly good." This I cannot imagine being said back in England. However, just realising this and taking it in AND partaking in it was not what I had ever planned.
But planned or not, it happened. The hubby and I discussed the possibility of taking idesh this winter only after I suggested we could buy a couple of cows...you know, as an investment... He liked the idea, because now I realise this was so obvious and the investment would naturally turn into idesh (silly me), and we decided to buy one cow because they don't come cheap as I expected. Plus with the dzud last winter animals are expensive now and the meat sold for city folk this winter will fall short of demand and thus hike up the prices.
So I'm thinking that we're investing in our winter, eating our own cheap, delicious and safe beef. Which is pretty much what has started to happen. But in no way was I prepared for the realities of preparing your idesh.
It was a shame I didn't get really involved in the preperation (wasn't that keen to drive out of the city where hubby's mum lives just to see a cow meeting its end) but afterwards....there was A LOT OF meat. Apparently it was a big cow. I was keen to keep it for a whole year so there may be a chance of 'expansion' in our one-cow herd, but hubby said we're eating this cow this winter.
Ofcourse, just the two of us cannot eat the whole thing...well we could, if we were on the Atkins' diet but that's not good for your kidneys. Anyway, we had this huge plastic sheet on the kitchen floor of my mother-in-law-to-be, cutting, carving, shuffling around these huge pieces of thigh, ribs, back, stomach area.... and the funniest thing was discussing which part to give to whom. A big piece is reserved for my parents (my parents I think are an exception to the whole 'booking our idesh' thing) which we have carved into smaller pieces and will be transporting them on our regular visits to both parents' homes; then some ribs and a bit of nice fleshy meat for my friend who is pregnant and thus need lots of protien and yummy beef broth this winter. We then carved some pieces for ourselves after lots of removal of excess fat (I imagining that this is what plastic surgery might look like) because the hubby cannot eat fat to save his life. And the rest were carved some more and then all wrapped up and stacked in the 'outside freezer'-pretty much a shack with no insulation to keep foodstuffs and broken radios. Hubby's mum already had plans to share an idesh with her relatives close by, hubby's sisters also planned to share a wee litle young cow, and etc etc. But they all helped with the preparation of our idesh-skinning, gutting, cleanning...processes that I have seen done before many times at my grandparents' home during new years and Naadam (although i think they were sheep not cows) but never dared do it myself-never know what to trhow out and what to keep. Perhaps next winter.

learning. again, always.

Since starting a new/second job there has been many a day when I was feeling helpless and very small. There are hundreds of people at the new company I'm working for, many faces I remember but do not have a name, countless customs and habits, completely new field of work and responsibilites, not to mention hearing a different language being spoken 50% of the time. Working with a large number of colleagues and staff members, many facets of work and projects and varying degrees of authority to maneouvre through, my days have been interesting to say the least, since May.
Speaking English and Mongolian comes very naturally to me now. This wasn't the case for either, at certain times in my life, until about now. However, when a language like Japanese gets trhown in their, it's a whole new story. I'm getting to grasp the idea of performing tasks between 3 languages. I'm not saying I've suddenly learnt Japanese , although some people can manage that in 4 months, and they are a freak of nature (i'm jealous btw), but it's been challenging and will be challenging further to understand that what I'm discussing or bringing up has to be translated into 2 further languages and be understood by everyone. Navigating through working with different languages, many people and most definitely office politics...the word challenging doesn't quite cut it actually.
Japanese people are very different people to Mongolians, and Mongolians are very different people to Brits. There are a whole other composition of layers of characteristics, habits, tendencies, feelings, teaching and beyond. Knowing about one is not enough, two is still not enough. Fully comprehending what all three types of people and cultures function, and being able to communicate between them, is essential if you want to get anywhere.
This is why I've decided that learning Japanese will serve me several purposes:
1. better workflow (see above)
2. less stress due to less questioning of the accurateness of translations
3.contentness from knowing that you have things under control, even if you don't, you have the ability to by just opening your mouth...
4. being able to say i'm tri-lingual on my CV!

So, i'm learning again. Although it has been a learning experience since May, this time it's very structured and visible learning. Then again, we're always learning. I've been learning since September 2008. I've been learning since September 2006. I've been learning since I was born. We all have. Just a shame that to some it comes a little easily, and others have to write blogs about it to motivate them!

smell of autumn

It seems like it was only a few days ago when I thought 'summer is here' with a sigh of relief. And now I can detect the smell of autumn, the chill that I anticipate before I envelope myself in my warm clothes, that has retained the smell from last year and kept it in its fabrics. The chill that has settled inside me is just covered with warmer clothing, and the quite but constant humming of the radiotor that will become my best friend until next spring, is hanging in the air but not really warming my insides.
It's almost sad to think that autumn is here because it means the end of summer, the smell of outside, leaves, flowers and the relaxed atmosphere from the air evaporates. When I could just step out of the door into the warm day that will encase me and welcome me. And at night the air becomes so still, I can almost hear the whole world, and yet it's full of life.
But now, as much as autumn is welcome from the heat that is summer in Mongolia, because I get to wrap myself warm in my cardigans and cashmere things, wear layers, wool tights and scarves indoors, autumn makes me think about change.
If I was a child I will be starting a new year of school, possibly at a new school or change of class. If I was an elderly I might be thinking about increasing the dosage of whatever medicine I'm most likely to be on, and even thinking about shopping for more cashmere. If I had a child I will most likely be adapting to that child's changing rhythm in life. If I was a tree I will watch my leaves turn colour and fly away from me.
More importantly, it reminds me that the year is coming to an end and my mind naturally wanders towards the things I have not been able to achieve, do, see, create. So it's a little bitter. For those who are optimisitc maybe autumn means you get to plan your next year, because we all know that once winter settles in it's all about the survival (in any given country i presume) and Christmas-how to oversome it intact and without excess fat ony our body.
So, despite writing down my resolutions at the beginning of each year, I like to put more thought into what I wanted to do this year, in autumn. Just so the 'emotional cutter' in me can dwell on missed opportunities and forgotten plans. I got that phrase from Candace Bushnell, more precisely Sex and the City, because it's what I do, and what I think many other women do too. Going over the past in minute detail so we can fiure out what we should have said, done or NOT done in many cases.
This year I wanted to travel, to California precisely. Although I had a feeling that it's most likely not going to happen this summer, I still built myself up for the possibility. Again, emotionally unbalanced. I wanted financially to be in a position where I can travel more, in Mongolia, outside of Mongolia. I want to go to Ereen and spend a decent amount of time exploring. I want to go on a road trip to places I've not been.
I want to create something. A lot of what I do is negiations, discussions, movement and processes. Creating something is a rare opportunity. One that came last June when through the above mentioned acts that I carry out we created a Book Ger-for kids to be able to read. Read about what they can see, what they can't see and what they've never thought about seeing.
Someone I met a while back suggested that I write a little bit everyday. I haven't taken this advise very seriously until recently.
The work I'm doing now is in the field that I've always wanted to be in, without seriously considering it as an option.
The little things I had thought about doing is coming back to me-almost reminding me to reconsider it and take that road. Trees, wood, the outside, nature, life. The things I wanted to do hasn't been going according to plan as much but the things I hadn't thought about much is gently pushing its way through, out into the open. When things happen that seem to be connected somehow, in a positive and familliar way, I've learnt to recognise it and go with it. Forcing something to happen is not good.
So my autumn bitterness from years before haven't completely evaporated like the summer air but it's taking on a new direction. I hope this hasn't got much to do with the fact that I'm growing older (maybe just UP)and with a less full diary and circle of 'friends.' Because I'm enjoying having this sort of time to myself to think and not have the need to go out all the time and prove myself. If this sense of relaxtion and peace is what growing up means, please, can I have more?
Ofcourse, one huge part of my life is my fiance, and without his presence to ground me, this will be a bitter blog. Despite not being able to travel together and do the things we've talked about and dreamed about, I know that California will be there, Ereen will be there and we will be there. I love hime very much and I hope he gets to feel that everyday.


There were lists I had made with things I wanted to do and try, waiting to be ticked off. Almost like a race against the time. And that's not how I want to be like anymore. I had written in my diary recently to 'list the little things, remember the big things and enjoy the moment'-a bumper sticker that I want to take to heart.
Last night I saw Grey Gardens on HBO. My god did I want to talk to somebody about it afterwards. Wanting to run away, but unable-having to face whether you stopped yourself or somebody you love held you back. This and nature, and contemplation...themes that are bringing itself up for me to look, and acknowlege.

A complete change of attitude, mood and energy levels...things that my poor fiance have to deal with, and for some time my little sister that I'm looking after. She's the dearest thing to me now, with a heart of gold. But I will be better. I will be 'selective' of my thoughts (another catchphrase from a move..gues?!), which consequently controls my moods and attitude.


Exercise and coffee. My current remedies. And good food to warm the soul.
Outpouring over. Back to work.

message to the heavens

A couple of weeks back there was a gathering at the Central Stadium in UB where hundreds of people got together to light zul which is a small fire that represents life and this takes the form of a candle, burning oil and fire lanterns. The group of people lit a candle, placed it in a paper lantern and let it float in the sky, up to the high heavens. I personally forgot to attend but managed to get a pretty good view form my window.
There's something awesome about a sight like this. It makes you feel small and also invincible because you realise how far up and away these tiny dots of prayers can go and yet almost within reach. I wanted to fly up to them, through them and swirl around and bathe in its light. I was told that zuls is a way to send your prayers and greetings to heaven. I like to think of it as a message that gently reminds the presence upstairs that we still exist and that no matter how far we are from each other, we're all part of one. I will be lighting a zul tonight because there are people i want to send my greetings to.

second flowering

My jasmine tree flowered again, but i missed it as i wasn't at work last 2 days. However when I cam in this morning i was greeted with the most beautiful snow-drop like blossom on the top of my tree. And smelling divine. Here's the picture. What amazes me is the purity of the whiteness...it's almost other worldy, out of this environment and the heat and dust of UB.

a trip to the monastery

I went to visit Gandan Monastery last week because it felt like something I had to do. I drove past the road that goes up to the monastery that day but came back and enjoyed a very peaceful 30 minutes.

There were four types of prayers I got written down by the monk in the prayer house, which will be prayed and chanted the next morning. One was a prayer that prevents the loss of one's property: be it their wealth, their health, their spirit. And these were prayed for my parents and little brother. The second was a prayer for the man I love: for protection. The third was a prayer of positivity: for a successful career, for a good outcome to whatever you wished for, which was for my whole family. And the last was a prayer for the people we love but who aren't here on earth anymore. My grandparents, my little cousin and a man who would have been my father in law.

I then walked around the monastery, turning the prayer wheels and thinking about all the people I miss. The wheels are like a messenger to the heavens, and it reminds those who left us that we still love them and think of them.

When you see or feel or hear something that coincides with a thought you had before it makes me think that there is some sort of 'rightness' there. The energy of it all makes sense and you were meant to be there, thinking that thought. When these occasions arise it's one of few things I get to do/feel/think/ with utter conviction and clarity because inside it feels 'right' and I do not worry myself by questioning it.
The prayers I said, the wheels I turned and the pigeons I fed were all part of that moment where there was peace, because there was clarity.

I only wish there are more times like these. But their scarcity probably makes me recognise how special these moment can be.

grey outside, flowering inside

it's been the most horribly grey and depressing monday i have ever experienced and yet i have a little glow. because the little tree my hubby bought for me a few weeks back has blossomed, quite literally before my eyes. and it gives the most heavenly jasmine scent. it's like sugary butter for your nose but much more prettier. yes, it is possible to grow a jasmine tree in mongolia, as i have discovered. although i'm anxious to keep it growing for longer than one spring.
it's now my little piece of calm in the corner of my world.
now a second one is nearing bloom.

in perspective

today I went to visit a children's care centre, run by the metropolitan police department of ulaanbaatar, mongolia. this is the only place in UB that finds and retrieves children from the streets. 'street children' is term that did not exist, at least that's what the lieutenent colonel told us, until 1990s when a transition in mongolia brought with it many consequences for society. it is claimed that there are very few street children in mongolia because most of them have been housed or reunited with their famillies. at the centre today there were 41 children from the ages of 3 to 17, one kid having counted his 138th day and the 3 year old girl that was picked up last night at 4am sitting outside a shop by a police officer. we shared the same name. many of these children have homes and parents but prefer to live on the streets, and some are just lost. some due to hostile homes and some has stayed out for so long that they prefer to live with other children that they choose to call their family. friendships are formed, famillies are made, more children are born. The situation has undergone a metamorphisis within the society where children on the streets cannot be counted and packed off to clean dorms until their parents come. a whole new social environment, needs and expectations and living standards have been created in the last few years that what we originally called street children no longer live on the streets, but in day centres and drop in centres that feed and wash them but can never help them solve their problems. maybe some don't think they have problems to solve because their way if living hasn't been much different as far as they remember.
on days like these i start to feel myself, sense my environment and exercise my emotions. previously, despite working in a charity organisation and working with other people with similar goals and aims, the essence of wanting to be here, in mongolia, tackling little problem at a time had diminished. i too was sucked into the state of labourer and forgot the bigger picture. i was so concerned with small details that i completely forgot my personal reason to wanting to be here. and that is to make change or at least help in the process of making change. and if that's not possible, then i should at least continue to try until it's not longer physically possible. i realised today that i had been sleeping and i need to use my head, listen to my surroundings and get that spark back.
money, freedom, material goods and the usual have been occupying my head lately and this was the best wake up call. no more sloth. it's just a shame that the 41 children from today cannot wake up from their state of sleep like i have, and find themselves at home, safe.

spring arrives

It has been a warm and golden day today. finally, after several false starts, spring has arrived and got me giddy. snow has turned to mush on the ground and has settled itself on my boots betwwen the leather and the rubber sole. the chill doesn't seep into my coat, which has been thoroughly tired since new years, and the crisp air feels welcome on my face.
spring is a sign of a new beginning. plants, flowers, animals are all awakened and my sense have followed suit. the grayness of winter, however sunny it is in Mongolia, has been extinguished and a joy in everything is discovered.
the trouble with such an awakening is the onset of many questions in the head and a mild sense of panic of what to do about them, although it will fester there until summer comes and it's too late. the questions at hand goes like this: "what shall i do this summer that makes it better than the last?" "will I have enough time/money to take THAT holiday of a lifetime?" "how will i look great in summer clothes?" none of it in order or in conclusive manner but also none of it addresses the work issue. this is not good oncisdering my busiest time of the year, workwise, is in the summer. or better yet, in the lack of summer. last summer went like there was no summer. I'm determined to no let that happend again...however out of ym hands it would be. I ahve read how some people have said "oh, i worked all summer and had no time to have a holiday. working like a horse. working till it gets dark, and then light." I always assumed those people as belonging to another world, maybe more glamorous, maybe more grown-up, but definetely one that I'm most unlikely to have. and here we are, saying those words, in different order or tone perhaps, but in the same spriti anyway. now that i've smelt the grass on the other side, all i'm left with is a little disappointment and realisation that those complaints and the workaholic life is really not that great or something to yearn for. nothing glamorous, just grinding the work, crunching the words and getting it done.
makes me think suddenly, 'WORKING GIRL" does not show you the hard work only what getting the hard work done can get you. great for a disillusioned girl that needs a lift and some clothing tips but not much else. but that makes me think, what else is there to aks for? you can't be told what to do and how to do it by a film, otherwise the film industry in the west will become a huge self help industry-not that we need another one-and besides if that was the case i bet bollywood would have beaten hollywood there. so, here's to getting off my backside, doing the job but also remembering to take a break and clean the mush off my boots.

a year to reflect

It's been just over a year since my last blog and it seems like a lot has happened, in fact so much has happened and so many thoughts have been tossed around in my head and on paper that it feels like an endless task to recount it all. Hence one of my new year's resolutions is to write more so this feeling of being burdened by my thoughts doesn't feel so burdensome anymore. I suppose the web is littered with blogs with people's new years resolutions and the witty and quirky self deprecation that goes with each one. However since the year 2010 started i have been particularly full of thoughts that its presence feels merely like a consequence rather than a timing issue.
For the last year my work, which I have in some ways complained about, has been prosperous in many ways and very educational in others. I have been learning to realise things and feel my way around...living. Living in an environment that although I'm not used to has initially been about learning to adapt and the sort of 'facing a big new world with valour' sort of thing which I had put upon myself to swallow. Watching Mongolian films, reading Mongolian books, listening to Mongolian music and completely giving myself away to my Mongolian fiance. And after a year, as much as I'm glad to have made this decision, if I had been aware of what it would involve I cannot be certain that I would make the same decision. It hasn't been especially difficult as it may be perceived by you reader. It has been tiresome. I have realised that despite my valour to immerse myself into Mongolia and my work, I have neglected almost all of my previous life and environment. Since the new year started I have been thirsty for my previous environment. I crave films, news, sound, colour and ideas and conversations like the way a parched throat craves water but doesn't realise. I have been so intent on adaptation that I have forgotten myself and what makes me feel alive and able to carry on. It's especially at this time and place, where I'm somewhere new and tough which I have never been in before, that I need to surround myself with familiar feelings.
Adaptability is important and I feel like I have done it somewhat successfully but at the expense of my essence being diminished to an extent. And now that this has been realised I want to drink as much as possible from the oasis that is life, one that is not limited to geography or culture. This feeling was within me when I first arrived...the feeling of wanting to achieve as much as I aimed for and wanting to be happy and challenged. And after some period the colour of this feeling had dulled but not diluted.
Other than this revelation within myself there has been other many thoughts...mostly to do with the way my life is going, how my work is affecting me, where I want to be and what I want to do. In a way the ability to look at the bigger picture and realising that you are a person with a life, plan and wants and needs, and importantly that other people accept this, despite you not sometimes being prepared to believe it yourself.
I have thought about babies and marriage...my previous thoughts and plans in this regard have very much been based on what is 'best' 'right' and 'appropriate' rather than what i actually want and feel. For instance, I had always thought that I can have a baby while working and continue work and have a family and 'juggle' like the woman in the painkiller advert in the UK...you can do it all...as long as you have a mild drug for assistance! I truly believed I can do it and that it was possible. Not that I have been proven wrong, on the contrary, I have had the benefit of shattering my own illusions prior to any actual events mentioned above taking place. Now I feel that perhaps when I do get pregnant and have the baby I want to stay at home and raise my child. Give that person everything it deserves and more, and not feel like I'm sacrificing because it's my choice. Also, now that work seems to be settling and that I'm gaining relative confidence in my abilities and achievements so far, it doesn't feel so scary to consider doing another job or being without a job. Maybe the presence of some funds in my account and the confidence gained from a somewhat successful work effort have affected this. All the same, it's comforting to be able to hear my own thoughts and take them in.
For me it's very encouraging to have a rather positive attitude at the beginning of the new year and with hope it shall continue until ofcourse the next big hurdle, because as I believe everything has to balance. Now a tone of fear has punctured into my happy bubble so best to end here.