Something personal

Solidarity teaches you the most about yourself. Your moods, your thoughts, your physical needs like hunger or human contact. Only when you put yourself or find yourself in a situation where you and you alone are responsible for yourself, your actions, your progress, are you forced to ‘see’ yourself. And sometimes what you are confronted with is ugly, because you realise that there are aspects of yourself you’d rather not have found out, aspects that you wouldn’t want others to realise. For example, I get distracted very easily. So easily that in the process of writing one e-mail I would have made myself a cup of tea, checked my message on my phone, had a scroll through my pictures on my phone, went to the toilet and daydream about the weekend. An optimistic person would say that despite the breaking down of a simple task into a long process I have managed to get a lot done in between. A pessimist would say that I am not particularly a productive person. And here’s what I also discovered: I may have a minor bipolar disorder, which gets activated under intense anxiety.

There were days during my self created isolation of writing my dissertation where I am in an extremely productive state because everything seems doable, possible and just brilliant. Concentration would be sharp as a pencil. Life is beautiful, creative and satisfying. You have an endless amount of energy, which you want to share with everyone. And then there were days when I just could not convince myself that I can do any little thing. Feelings of self-loathing, exhaustion and hopelessness would completely take me over, sitting down or standing for minutes at a time staring into space, unable to make myself move physically because the mind refuses to animate. When you try to improve the situation by ‘offering’ to yourself things to do to keep yourself busy and not not thinking, the other part of you will find the negatives in each situation, the impossibles in every action.

During this time, if just one little thing goes spectacularly right, then the euphoria starts again. I realised that there is a trigger. The happiness trigger is almost always to do with people. Speaking to someone close on the phone, bumping into a friend unexpectedly, having a really good work conversation makes life just worth living. Of course when you’re aware of what your happy trigger is you start to dread and genuinely fear the sad triggers, because I know that if they jump out of somewhere, I can’t do anything about it, and usually it starts with the headaches. Pressure, guilt, misunderstanding may seem easy to handle, but when you know that these will trigger you into a state of mind which you cannot leave and sometimes, worryingly, you do not want to leave, you do everything you can to avoid the triggers. You wake up in the morning and try and see what the day will be like today. And some days it feels like this:

Photo by Ellen Forney

Funnily enough, my dissertation was on the concept of resilience-a theoretical thesis about how to respond in the event of disturbances or disasters and develop a self-organising system containing adaptive capacities. And somehow the theory taught me more about myself and has helped me to learn how to ‘bounce back’ from the sadder times.

When you physically and mentally isolate yourself you realise how isolating, and a scary thing to say aloud, a mental issue is. When people, jobs, everyday tasks surround you it’s not so easy to recognise the patterns, and this only confuses your mind and body. This summer has been a revealing one and it has taught me about the processes in my head, the triggers, recognising when it has started and then taking actions against it. And one action I take is to go for a quick run, and then meet a good friend. What about you?

World Mental Health Day 10 October 2014

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/world-mental-health-day/

Go Help, plain and simple.

Every rally has a start line and a finish line. And the Mongolia Charity Rally is no exception but the first thing I thought when I saw this through my car window was: ‘Hey, they copied us!” For me, this was of particular interest because in a way I have lived this event and have done so for the last six years. Also because the Mongolia Charity Rally had this idea last year already (Finish Line at a hotel to receive our much worn out guests) AND a bit amusing as our hotel is called Kaiser and the other rally’s was Chinggis-rather well known emperors through history.


Yes, this is the time of the year when many Europeans, Americans, Australians to name few descend into Ulaanbaatar after almost 10 000km of rally across the world through Europe and Central Asia. The Mongolia Charity Rally is an event that is organised every year by Go Help, a UK Charity dedicated to raising funds to finance education and health care projects in Mongolia, in return for an adventure of a lifetime. This may sound a lot like Mongol Rally, a little better known rally event that also starts in the UK and ends in Mongolia, however what most people miss is the fact that theirs is a business model and the Mongolia Charity Rally is singular in a simple way that it is a charity event where funds raised are spent on local projects in Mongolia, as implemented by the charity itself.

When people make the decision to embark on a challenge like this over their summer holidays it’s understandable that they will do their research. Having more choice and the freedom to select a rally based on the fees, conditions, services etc is the basic expectation for most people.  And in the spirit of a market economy, the event that has most people joining, has most media presence and more people talking about it tends to be the more popular. In that sense, the Mongol Rally continues to operate with over 300 teams a year, whilst the Mongolia charity Rally has a few over 30.

But what seems to be overlooked is what happens when a team arrives at their destination in Mongolia, and in Go Help’s case this is when it becomes even more interesting because those 30 odd teams making it get to see what their funds are doing, meet the students who are receiving scholarships, the children who are reading books off the back of a mobile library, and meet doctors who are using the ambulances for check ups and emergency services throughout the vast Mongolian countryside. And I think this is when a Mongolia Charity Rally team gets the sweeter deal.

And gentle marketing aside, Go Help also benefits as the people who choose our rally brings so much more than just their vehicles and their money raised. We have worked with teams who came and stayed for weeks volunteering in a local hospital, then setting up a charity to partner with Go Help for medical student exchanges; donated hundreds of books and study materials to our Book House project; have taken part twice already with a third planned next year; stayed in contact and in support and have become our trustee; and even raising money for our Mobile Library project despite not doing the rally but honouring their friend’s memory from a distance, and many more. These connections make our rally and our charity special. The people who are involved enhance our work and give ideas for our future projects. And they understand that although our Finish Line may not be as large or as expensive as the other rally, once they get here there is a team of people waiting for them, ready to get to work and show them what this rally is all about.

Team leoYlou

Team Alpha Badger

the Go Help family of staff, students and volunteers

Book Ger project

On a slightly materialistic note, I just want to say how much I love Shu Uemura's skin purifying face oil, the slightly more expensive option to another rather brilliant cleanser by Liz Earle. At the end of a day like today, massaging on the warm oil onto my face and neck is so comforting and reassuring, and when washed off with water the oil, just as the sweat, grime, stress and disappointments of the day, melts away. I'm left with clear skin and mind. It's a luxury that I make sure I can afford, as there are such few in life so easily bought. For friends feeling generous you can find Shu Uemura cleansing oils at most international airport duty free shops on your way to visit me in UB ;)

Reinvigorated

Tonight I went to a lecture organised by NextGen, a movement started by several intelligent Mongolians who believe that the next generation is here already and it's up to us to make change. The speaker was the director of Zorig Foundation, one of the oldest and almost founding  NGO of the democratic civil society movement in Mongolia. The topic was civil society and participation and what this meant for the director and his organisation. The Q&A session naturally opened up much wider discussions from everyone who came and for the first time in a long while since my return I've found my head racing and my blood rushing.

An exercise of the mind, plus a quick swim in the morning for an exercise of the body has given me such a reinvigoration, I'm reminded of why I chose to move back to Mongolia. There exists such energy, passion and drive to do, make, create and leave our mark in history. It's so easy to be absorbed into the struggles of everyday life, and recently with renovations left right and centre, new job and resettling, I am guilty of absorption too. And tonight it was good to let myself think in abstract even for a few minutes, about issues that have real meaning to me. If anyone is aware of the Getting Things Done (GTD) system, then you'll agree that it felt like I had a good old rummage through my Someday/Maybe folder, and flew at 50,000 feet. Once again I'm happy to be here, ready to do my part.

Wealth, or something like it.

An interesting thing I observed yesterday whilst strolling through Khanburgedee Department Store in central UB was the behaviour of a woman and the way she completely berated the sales woman like she was a five year old child that drew on the walls. Apparently the woman wanted two shirts and asked for them to be put aside over the phone and when she came to pick them up the salesperson brought out one. And so she was off! She wanted two but only got one! How hard is it to bring out two shirts not one?! Did the salesperson not understand her?! Why is it so difficult to get what she asked for?! Go and get her the second shirt for god's sake! As it turned out, there was only one left anyway, and before the salesperson got the chance to find out what happened and explain to her, she sounded like a headmistress that I'd rather not cross in the hallway. This woman was really well dressed, had the expensive hand bag and the blow dry, and yet not a single polite bone in her body. I couldn't believe her reaction and her plain rudeness. Honestly, it was just a shirt. 

Normally I accept that politeness in Mongolia is ranked pretty down on the chart of everyday life experiences. There was even a survey that listed Mongolia as the tenth most unfriendly travel destination recently which I personally think displays the vast difference in some people's opinion of Mongolia as the friendliest place to travel (countless travel guides please step forward) and the unfriendliest place to live (countless residents of Mongolia step forward). It may be simpler to think that those with wealth and opportunities are likely to have better, happier and more fulfilled lives and those living in relative poverty, with little chance of vastly improving their lives (in monetary terms) would be frustrated with life and what little it affords them, and thus display varying behaviours. Ofcourse this is a gross generalisation but I watched a video today also based on an extensive research which shows the total opposite.

Granted the research took place in the United States, it explained the behaviour of the woman in my story, where the wealthier you are the less appealing your behaviour in society and towards others. I encourage you to watch this video and maybe ponder for a while. My first question was how to further research and understand the changes in behaviour as the person goes through different stages of wealth in their lives. It's not necessarily the case where you are born poor and thus die poor. And same goes for the wealthy. In the case of Mongolia I think it'll be particularly interesting where wealth seems to be created as quickly as it is destroyed. At a time of economic development risky financial investments, corruption, inadequate legal systems can make or break a man/woman. Which makes me wonder, how this fluctuation in the wealth of Mongolian society is affecting society and social norms? Is it acceptable to be embarrassingly rude to those who happen to be in the service industry? Is it ok for those who serve to accept that the 'rich' are rude and thus be it? Further, is it ok for those standing by to think that it's normal? The stereotype of a successful business man/woman here is someone who drives an expensive car, talks on their mobiles when driving, barks orders even at restaurants and scowls, a lot. I wouldn't want my child to grow up thinking that being successful/rich/even famous gives them the liberty to treat others with little regard, but sadly it's a common perception. And I suspect that many of these wealthy Mongolians don't know any other way to react or behave in society because there is only one stereotype. By being polite, showing consideration and empathy may be seen as a weakness, and a sign of being poor(er). In a time and place where being wealthy is the primary accomplishment, I wish to see a future where accomplishment is personal and wealth is not entirely numerical.

Back in UB

It's been two weeks since I've returned to Mongolia and already it feels like a year. Despite the flaky skin, dusty shoes and UHT milk it's good to be back! The familiar roads, frowns and a fist full of tugrugs make me feel welcome. And most importantly it's good to be with my husband and son again.

Much has changed in Mongolia in the last few months and I feel like I'm struggling to catch up. The most exciting event so far has been the presidential election, which went smoothly and the results reassuring, but there's been more substantial changes taking place also. I've noticed many new roads, buildings and shops, as well as a general shift towards a much lovelier atmosphere. Maybe it's the weather and the impending Naadam festivals or my suspicions of an improving UB being proven right. All the same, I'm yet again convinced that the move back is the right decision.

The next few weeks will be a bit of a whirlwind I imagine, with a new job to settle into and an office to furnish, a new flat to redecorate and also furnish, and the big and all important event of sending Arvis to nursery full time. I've found a montessori that feels good and we plan to start next week. Exciting times ahead!

What I'm missing though, and look forward to again, is having a sense of being 'settled' in. The finality of moving back to UB was a bit strange at first but we all know that home is where you find yourself with the people you love and enjoy. So here's  re-discovering this old city of mine, calling it home again, and to re-making those connections.

In the meantime, happy to be with this little guy

Where is feminism in Mongolia???

The phrase “Since you are a woman…” must be one of the most over used start to a sentence to goes on to point to an issue that is not at all gender based. I say this in the context of Mongolia and the Mongolian language, however I’m sure many would be familiar with the less explicit versions of this comment in any other language around the world. And as someone whose point of reference and relativity is mostly based on life in the UK with parts of it in Ulaanbaatar, I can confidently say that people are generally terrified of saying the word 'woman' in the UK for fear of being called sexist and/or being subject to some work place disciplinary action. But in Mongolia?! Hey ho, it’s a phrase that comes out so naturally from both sexes’ mouths without anyone really going: “Hang on, would you say that to a man?” Nobody seems to question these phrases, where words have been put together to represent people's thoughts about issues that they clearly believe has strong basis in gender relations. I have never in my experience of living in Mongolia for three odd years heard a woman, or a man, raise gender issues in a non-threatening or accusatory manner that just pokes at the surface. And truthfully, I probably didn’t even realise what was happening fully, let alone become that ill placed poke. 

My impression so far is that of men and women accepting phrases such as “since you are a woman…” as a normal everyday exchange of opinions, opinions which have almost become unspoken truth.  And I also know that if I say: “Hang on, would you suggest a male colleague to furnish their office with potted plants, since you are a man??” would instantly brand me as the woman that talks about ‘gender’ and therefore must be treated with caution. Because I’ve seen very brief instances of other women attempting at the poke but being burnt by the “Don’t bring up such nonsense” look and treatment before being shut down for good. Although I was young and stupid and was not aware of such dynamics to do something about it then, I still didn’t quite get how I was supposed to think of or react to covert sexism in general. And I think many women in Mongolia still do not recognise sexism when they’re being served it, and those who do consider it as part of the day job. 

Unlike in Western societies where gender issues have been long raised and debated, and have seen their popularity rise and fall like fashion trends, feminism in Mongolia is very new. At least that’s my impression anyway, because during my time in Mongolia I have not come across one feminist writer, actor, politician that are concerned about the collective. There’s plenty of liberation of the individual, especially women who declare their independence in magazines and newspapers that are largely based on financial freedom backed by a combination of their acting, modelling and business ventures (a dark undercurrent that suggests you have to be reasonably attractive and in many cases just divorced an even wealthier man, to achieve this by the way). 

However, without going into murky waters where majority of these lifestyles are inevitably connected a male figure, I still want to ask…but where is feminism? Where is the feminist voice that says that women have choice even in the most trivial issues of everyday life? And have the right to talk about it without fear of being outcast? The verbalising of these rights is frowned upon in society and yet I’m sure we've (at least the ones who recognise it) questioned sexism without actually using the term sexism. And I’m sure plenty of us have longed for the same opportunity as a male counterpart without necessarily knowing the definition of feminism. I would like to speak to more people about this issue and hear what they have to say. Who knows, there could be plenty of feminist writers and bloggers, photographers and other creative individuals that create a bridge between women and ideas in Mongolia, which someone sitting in Coventry does not know about.

Lastly, I just want to say that I love my husband, appreciate him and realise myself to be a lucky lucky woman, not only because he’s just lovely but because he accepts that I have choices, wish to make them in due time, in due context without ever saying “since you are a woman….” He is my feminist hero. 

Synergise

The Mongolian British Chamber of Commerce is an organisation that has helped foster a better relationship between business leaders, politicians and the civil society of both the UK and Mongolia. Despite the many meetings and events organised by the MBCC in the impressive Houses of Parliament in London it feels like they're almost missing a great opportunity for parties from both countries.

In order to benefit from investment into Mongolia businesses and investors need to focus on capacity, specifically the capacity of the people. Outsourcing management from abroad enables projects to get off the ground faster but it is not a sustainable model for the long term if the project limits the scope for improving local capacity that would eventually increase the skills and social capital of Mongolia.
From my past experience of working, albeit for a short time, in an international organisation based in UB I failed to see an objective that focuses on the improvement of skills for local staff with the direct aim of promotion. If UK businesses expect and plan for continued growth of their projects it may be more productive to consider different approaches.

One approach could be putting more effort into sourcing potential management level staff who are Mongolian but possess skills and education that align with the expectations of investors and employees from the UK and beyond. This can then become a stepping stone to engage with locally employed staff to increase their capacity. Issues of cultural differences, foreign relations and conflicting interest and expectations all become resolvable. Events such as the Mongolia Development Forum is a breeding ground of young and educated Mongolians that contribute within highly specialised and skilled fields, who are ready to return home and work extremely hard (although English language website will help immensely). And yet I get the impression that the MBCC is a little dismissive of such events where there is a clear opportunity for companies, businesses and investors to meet Mongolians, exchange information and contacts, and possibly miss out on the potential to make their efforts of fostering relationships between our two nations really take off. At least it would make more interesting turnouts at both events!

Investors too tend to prefer to employ staff within projects that they can see eye to eye with, someone who wouldn't run away with the money! And in all fairness I have also witnessed things taking a bad turn for foreign businesses and investors with locals. But reaping the fruits of international investment in both countries is possible with the synergising of events like these two and unlock the potentially powerful and healthy approach to management. There are plenty of individuals, including myself, that are looking for exciting opportunities and may well in turn ensure long term stability for a UK investor, which is something that cannot be guaranteed by policies or the government of a developing country. I only have to take a look at the department managers and junior staff of any international company to see the the gaping hole that can be filled with improved strategic partnerships (used here in a non business or political term-merely for its literal meaning). A similar gap between these organisations in the UK is noticeable and I wish to see more direct efforts being made to close that too.

One advice for my son

I came across a list on my desktop stickie that contained all the things I wanted to write about, which is great because lately it felt like nothing was happening in my head other than reading academic articles on brownfield regeneration! One of the topic was to write down one advice I’d give my son with ‘once-a-month’ in brackets behind it (I can only assume that at the time of list making that I was confident that there was that many I have accumulated already!). 

So here goes, with some caution but lots of passion. One advice I’d give my son, based on what I know now (May 2013) and what I’ve learnt so far in my few years of living and much fewer months of being a mum: Travel. Cliched, I know, but there’s a twist. Travel with more understanding. Ok, not exactly a moment of enlightenment, however still rings true.

I looked over some photos of my past travels which, although not many or far, reminded me of the amazing places I have been to and the things I’ve seen. It also made me realise how I hardly remembered the locations, names, meanings of these place, despite the hundred of digital photos to prove my presence.

I’m sure the impressions that you gather and soak in from travelling isn’t always tangible and/or even understandable at the given time. I only now realise the Lama Temple my husband and I visited with my little sister in Beijing during my summer of pregnancy has had a profound effect on me. I wouldn’t have guessed at the time how much walking down the streets of New York and Chicago would in an indirect way shape my appreciation of architecture. Or how looking back on my trip to Turkey with girlfriends from school, I only now understand how important it is to just enjoy the moment and not worry about anything else. Although it never really bothered me much before (it’s all about the experience, right?!) who knows what my thoughts were at that given time? How interesting it would be to read it now? Better yet, to revisit and enjoy the different opinions and impressions the second time round.

However, in spite of not managing to be a constant writer of my thoughts and travels, I currently have a stack of notes from various trips and travels written on scraps of paper, which I never got round to writing up. So there’s always been that urge to write about travels, just not the discipline. Which brings me to my advice for my son. Travel and travel more, but more importantly understand where you’re going, why you’re going. The simplest way may be writing but a more creative and exciting thing you can do is sketching, something I only recently discovered and teaching myself to do because it will make you spend a little bit longer beside the place you're visiting, help you remember better and recall your experiences, and make a lovely souvenir book that beats any mug.

Francis D.K. Ching, introduced to me by my Urban Design module tutor-inspired me to sketch and learn how to draw again (first tip is to just draw like a child draws, with no inhibitions)

"Drawing stimulates the mind to think and can make visible those aspects which cannot be seen by the naked eye or captured on film by a camera" F.D.K. Ching

I now only wish that I had made the effort to write more about and sketch the places I visited along with why I thought it was good to visit at the time-I think it says a lot about your then state of mind. Another reason to visit a stationery shop and let the sketch books, notepads, watercolours and pencils lift the mood-and one day it'll be my sketch with a caption!

Existential crisis?

Someone I know has made the decision to quit work and move to the Mongolian countryside and live off the fat of the land as a herder, with his girlfriend. They're both highly educated and smart people with distinct voices and opinions and I don't mean to portray the girlfriend as an after thought but I'm afraid to this day we haven't met, despite my suspicions that we might get on real fine. Their decision has made me think about myself and what I want also. Ever since I returned to the UK minus my son and carrying with me a new found determination to do the best I can for him, there's also been some thoughts on what to do after this? Come the end of summer a decision must be made, like for everyone else in the world for whom their life is at the crossroads.

I'm a lucky person in that I grew up with the opportunity that many from Mongolia did not and do not have. My family has provided me and my brother and sister with the best possible start in life. Education and the chance to live a life of heightened awareness, especially when it comes to the complete polarity of life in Mongolia and in the UK. Considering the period in which we were born and grew up, I'm pretty sure thousands more young families and couples had also braced themselves for the tough times ahead and dedicated their lives for their children by choosing to move abroad and work countless hours making ends meet. These children grew up across the world in countries away from their home, friends and families, with some even losing touch with their backgrounds and language. I had always wished I grew up with my grandparents and cousins, and grew older with the children from my class at my first elementary school in Ulaanbaatar. The said person who's moving to the countryside is a classmate from this class and we found each other on Facebook of all places.

Over 20 years since the democratic movement in Mongolia has passed and now these children of the world have grown up-a time to consider about their futures and their own families has come. I know I have much to think about. Naturally many has the potential to become great leaders in their country in all fields, because on top of education, I believe they (and I) can appreciate the circumstances of their lives and perhaps grew up with a sense of desire to come back home and see things improve. Many has started to make the move back towards Mongolia either academically or career wise, however I sense a quite revolution coming, manifesting itself in changes that my above mentioned friend has made; careers in high end professions being shunned to do things their way; and in my case my wish to just spend time with my family and live in a country that I call my home.

For too many years I've lived a nomadic life where it's always been about moving onto the next pasture. Same goes for my parents and the parents of many others I presume. Even when I was living in Mongolia for a while after graduating I felt that it was always about the big job, the big opportunity, the people you must meet and know, the meeting you must attend and mingle. I doubt many of us who moved back even temporarily had any real idea of what Mongolia is and how beautiful it is. A sense of obligation and duty may be there but passion can only grow from within.

I envy the two people who've decided to live in a felt ger and I wish more people would do the same. But I'm also proud of a friend who quit an executive job because she didn't believe in it anymore no matter how important the position was. Another very good friend of mine chose to start at the very bottom even though her connections, education and even her desire to do good is way and above her superiors, because she wants to learn about her country rather than be delivered to a 'big' position that she would have otherwise been able to arrange had she wanted. Many people are starting to feel their own worth and value, and the potential contributions they can make as their own person, rather than as part of the machine that churns out policy makers and big shot project coordinators. They are not in a hurry because they believe in themselves. Enough to wait for the right time and opportunity, or better yet to make it for themselves.

As far as I'm concerned, despite a slight existential crisis, like everyone else at a certain time in their lives, concerning my plans for the future, I now feel less pressure for myself to go back and find the big job and join the rat race. Maybe because I miss my son so much or maybe because I did grow up with the privilege of choice, either way I would rather do what makes me happy. And how important that ends up being to the development of my country, only time will tell.

This time last year

Like I mentioned in my last entry I'm now somewhat available. I mean, I can now be engaged in personal interest without being compromised by personal responsibilities so much. Yay! So I've been looking through the folders on my desktop that contain the things I wanted to read, the pictures I really liked and just stowed way for later, ideas I wanted to explore but never got to, in folders called INBOX or NEXT ACTIONS, a la Getting Things Done systems. I want to show my appreciation for my friend Fel J Cruz for showing what life can be like organised, and although I haven't quite mastered the system I think it'll be something that I can attempt during this period of relative freedom (April-July 2013-will otherwise be known as the Teenager Again Times).

Which brings me onto the theme of this entry. This time last year I was in Coventry having had my baby 6 months earlier and slowly trying to reconnect with the world and wanting to find ways to express myself as someone other than just a new mum. So I re-started blogging, opened an account with Flavors, Tumblr, Pinterest and became more active on LinkedIn. It does sound a bit overboard now but at the time I was desperate to join in the debates and be a part of society again. I make having a baby sound like a jail term, and it's not, but it's not easy when you haven been living the 21st century before either.

Thus, I've been unearthing years of my personal self from my own hard drive, my list of bookmarks as well things I've written, and getting to know myself again. It's strangely life affirming to realise that even though time has passed there are some things that remain the same about me. At times of confidence crisis I would recommend keeping and going to a folder called INSPIRATIONS. And looking through my Pinterest boards I found my board called Mood of March which seems to indicate that I was in the mood to get back into shape, as well as trying to get my stuff together. This was a plan to pin images as a visual recordings of how I felt at the time, maybe because images can sometimes say things without even trying to. And an empty board stands for the Mood of April.
So, a year has passed since my journey of self discovery and although I haven't followed through with this plan, and indeed other plans with Tumblr for example (even though I have made some efforts with this blog), it hasn't been a complete time of limbo. It seems I made the decision to start my Masters during summer and processed my application, during which many interesting things happened looking back on my entries such as working part time, making new friends, being a wife and taking it relatively easy in the summer which never happened for me since 2009. And now, since the study started it almost seems like it's nearly over. And back to April-a blank board. A funny deja vu perhaps?

I'll start of April like this and work on it.

Teenager again

Recently I've made the decision for my son to live with his dad, my husband, in Mongolia during the time I have to finish my third and last term of my Masters degree. In this time I will try to put all my efforts and energy into finishing my studies and starting my dissertation research. Considering the amount of money spent as investment for our future and the times spent apart from my husband, I don't want all this effort to go to nothing by not achieving the best I can in my studies. Thus the very easy decision to leave my son in Mongolia has been made and the very very hard times of living with that decision has come.

The last 5 days being away from Arvis has been strange and unfamiliar. So far we've spoken three times a day, I've sung numerous amounts of songs and read all his books, on Skype! Despite the few teary conversations, I'm feeling ok.  Ofcourse I miss him so much but I'm comforted by the fact that he is being looked after and cared for by the people who love him the most, and feel that he is a lucky boy to have a good family on both sides. But funnily enough, my mum had also made this decision when she was my age, and I lived with my grandparents for a year. And now she is re-living the days of her leaving me behind, with feelings of guilt and sadness, and trying her best at reassuring me that Arvis is ok.

With Arvis ok, and my husband and I generally getting back into the life of being apart, I realise that I suddenly have all this time on my hand. Yes study is paramount but for the first time I have so much space and time to just be by myself. Not exactly young, free and single but actually older, married and duty-bound, however I have this strange period ahead of me where I will be away from all this and concentrate on myself. Watching the movies I wanted to watch, going for runs and getting lost in books. Making plans and dreaming about the future ahead, e-mailing people I forgot to get in touch with and generally having this great chance to catch-up as well as expand myself. If teenage years were realised as a time of potential then we'd all have gotten so far, and since most of us don't this is my teenage time, with a little bit more knowledge and awareness to make the most of it.