Bag Lady

'How do you juggle it all?' I think more women are asked this question, especially since they become mothers (let's not get onto whether father's get asked this...) than at any other chapter in their lives. And I used to think that when you become a mother, or a 'grown-up' you just have to get on with it and juggle those damn balls faster and with less accidental drops. And that's what I struggled with for a long time. Trying to be the person that picks up more balls, juggles non-stop, and refuse to put a few down. For someone who has been earning my own keep since I finished school, working at whatever chance I got, signing up for the volunteering, and looking around for people to talk to and causes I can join, being open to any new conversations and connections, always ready to consider an offer or an option even if it doesn't come to anything, this willingness can be seen as being pushy or a pushover, being active or even a doormat.

In the culmination of all some of my thoughts, experiences, mistakes and wins I have in a very long and winded way come onto a path in the last few months that seems to be working for me for now.
This concept of 'juggling' is long dead and gone, in the past. For someone who has chosen to go ahead in life as a single parent juggling is just too risky. Too fickle. You cannot be juggling rocks your whole life. And juggling does not give you enough stick to really appreciate your days and times fully. Instead I have come upon a new concept for myself.

My bag concept. Carrying a full bag of shit that we do not need alongside those things we do genuinely need is too crowded. Learning to fill it with the right things for myself as well as for those around you is the skill I need to learn now.
For a long time I had the JUST IN CASE BAG, which has everything in it. Work and business being in debt, staff that you are blocking out, children and their right to an attentive parent, money and the lack of it, ideas and how they cause you sleepless nights, friends and the ones you cannot reach out to, family and the siblings you miss, housekeeping and the smelly sofa you cannot replace, pet cats and broken promises, self confidence and the excess weight, society and how more children are living in poverty. More a suitcase really. And the problem is the carrier of this bag can be mistaken for being all together and on top of it all, especially to themselves, when in fact she is straining and struggling underneath it all.
To be honest I still have this bag with me, albeit recently my back (my literal and physical back) gave away and had to see the doctor who said I need to stop carrying so much on my back. But this is life for many other people too and I realised we have to learn to see things for what they are, and so I have devised a small list of steps to use as a guideline for myself, which is ofcourse completely open to use and misuse.

Clean out your bag regularly because you don't need to be carrying useless things
Don't let it overflow but fill it with things you need and WANT
Let others carry your bag for you from time to time because they need to experience what you carry everyday
Bandages, tissues, hair bands, snacks are life's little things that make the hard times less painful, especially for those around you so don't underestimate their importance
Don't throw out a bag when they get tired. Have a small roster of bags to let them rest and mend.
Don't buy a bag without thinking about it very carefully. No-returns policy should be applied here.
Having said that, mistaken choices can be made. Don't cry over it.
And in the end if it's just not working out...find a different bag MENTALITY and know which to carry when.
For example:
THE CHILDREN TROLLEY because we don't have to carry them all the time, just give it a gentle push or a tug in the right direction
THE IDEAS SACK because they come in all shapes and sizes
THE CAREER TOTE because they need to perform but not define you
THE FUN CLUTCH because never lose a sense of joy in your life by swinging a colourful and pretty thing from you hands from time to time
THE INNER HOBO because you collect and pick up things from life and people around you everyday, doesn't have to mean much or they can be the inspiration you need
THE FAMILY SHOPPER because they come in all shapes and sizes and numbers, and you need them to carry your stuff
THE FRIENDSHIP FANNY PACK because they don't always look great or go with every outfit but they hold all your essentials and you'd be lost without them
THE PUNCH BAG because you don't want to really punch people but you need to release that frustration

Like the saying, if you are not happy where you are, move, you are not a tree. If your bag is overwhelming you, empty it and carry only the things you can, want or need. Do something about it but recognise that sometimes your life changes and so should your bag. Yes, people are not bags (even though some can feel like the punching sort, in which case see above point) or the heavy and dragging kind of contents of a bag either but like I said before, we have to learn to see things for what they are. Recognising what those around you are carrying is also useful here.
And very lastly, sometimes you just need to put that bag down. Like today, when I had this moment in time of just hanging out with myself, writing, drinking coffee and listening to Jeff Buckley. And in that moment letting my mind wander and think about people I love, that I lost, the things I want to do, the ideas I didn't know were inside me. All this would be so difficult with the strap of a heavy bag digging into my shoulders.

Remember how to say sorry to your parents

As children we learn to apologise for our wrong doings to make peace, to get what we want and/or because we are really very sorry but as we get older we become more and more convinced of our own knowledge, abilities and correctness over others that we get a bit cocky don't we? Especially to our parents. And so even in instances where we ARE wrong and we KNOW it, we fail to apologise for our actions. Let’s not even get into our wrong (or at least not so nice) thoughts about others or their actions. But in reality, there is nothing more humbling than genuine words of sorry, and asking for forgiveness that makes you realise how much it let’s you really connect with others. And why particularly your parents? Because they’re likely the people you know the best and for the longest time because growing up you've tested them the most with your grief, and their despair and worry, so most positive and negative aspects of your life are likely be wrapped around your relationship with your parents, and therefore it's probably brimming with unsaid as well as very loudly said issues. Hitting on the biggest nail first makes the others easier, and we all owe it to our parents. Perhaps you don’t even have to do anything dreadful to say sorry-whether you snapped at your mum in a moment of weakness; whether there is a long held back apology due for genuinely not knowing any better, which you hope they know you're sorry for but have never actually said.  If you are truly sorry for anything the rightful owner of that apology probably feels it and thinks about it too. And if they’ve forgotten about it, there’s nothing nicer than hearing someone say sorry because it is harder than saying ‘thank you’ and means more And when you learn to say sorry to your parents, learn to say it to your friends, colleagues, staff, children even-I promise it's much easier than saying it to your parents.

All this will let you prevent (or undo, depending on the colour of one's soul:) the building up of long term guilt for not being able to verbalise all your 'sorry's, especially to people who you care about, which is a regretful thing because carrying around that non-specific but still all consuming cloud of emotion can make you resentful, towards the very people you can, and should, say sorry to. And I'm sure there's a pretty sizable bag that we all carry around. Internalising various thoughts and feeling, be it positive or negative, as I found out recently, is not healthy (and the reasons for it is a whole other topic on passive aggressiveness, which I will cover at another point). And how did I finally 'realise' this? By doing the opposite of internalising-by opening myself up to the feelings I avoided, the confrontations I shied away from, the straight looks in their eyes I feared. This exposure that I thought was frightening actually makes you so light and free and bouncy it's almost heartbreaking. Why heartbreaking? Because you suddenly realise what you’ve been missing out on by holding onto that resentment. By letting yourself open up, being brave and facing things head on, with a lot of effort ofcourse, I feel very simply happy. I will not quote something Zen or zeitgeisty like ‘the truth will set you free’ as we’ve (mostly) all grown up with and are tired of these soundbites that will supposedly solve our problems, but I will say that consequently this happiness allows me to feel more and be open to myself. 

This is important discovery for me because I can now deal with one of many issues in my life by looking at it with new eyes and a happy heart. To expand, people today are so overwhelmingly occupied with friends, family, work, hobbies and projects (it's fair to say we all personally know people who are juggling hard and fast) that it is often assumed the best way to deal with them is to compartmentalise in order to prevent yourself from going mad from the ever growing number of things to deal with, roles to embody and emotions to restrain. I like to think that I’ve had good practice at this compartmentalising thing as soon as I ventured out into the world of ‘grown-up’ after moving to Mongolia, because I’ve always been one to take on another project, another idea, another interest. And as much as I enjoyed them all, looking back perhaps it was more the satisfaction one gets from getting things done and acquiring ticks on my to-do list more than genuine fondness. Maybe this is why more and more of my 'things’ felt like burdens, items to avoid, and eventually resentment for taking my efforts and energy away from what is important. 

So, by learning and knowing how to say sorry, and consequently discovering how to be happier, I'm beginning to realise, just shy of turning 30, perhaps I need to let my heart permeate through every one of the compartments in my life that I want to keep. Not bad for a little soul digging. And now I feel like I've come a little bit closer to understanding for myself some of the things that were shouted at my generation from songs, books, magazines and TV. Somethings AREN’T better left unsaid, unless they’re unkind words. Because sorry seems to be the hardest word. It’s never too late to apologise.

*Sorry for the cheesy roundup of quotes.