Bag Lady

'How do you juggle it all?' I think more women are asked this question, especially since they become mothers (let's not get onto whether father's get asked this...) than at any other chapter in their lives. And I used to think that when you become a mother, or a 'grown-up' you just have to get on with it and juggle those damn balls faster and with less accidental drops. And that's what I struggled with for a long time. Trying to be the person that picks up more balls, juggles non-stop, and refuse to put a few down. For someone who has been earning my own keep since I finished school, working at whatever chance I got, signing up for the volunteering, and looking around for people to talk to and causes I can join, being open to any new conversations and connections, always ready to consider an offer or an option even if it doesn't come to anything, this willingness can be seen as being pushy or a pushover, being active or even a doormat.

In the culmination of all some of my thoughts, experiences, mistakes and wins I have in a very long and winded way come onto a path in the last few months that seems to be working for me for now.
This concept of 'juggling' is long dead and gone, in the past. For someone who has chosen to go ahead in life as a single parent juggling is just too risky. Too fickle. You cannot be juggling rocks your whole life. And juggling does not give you enough stick to really appreciate your days and times fully. Instead I have come upon a new concept for myself.

My bag concept. Carrying a full bag of shit that we do not need alongside those things we do genuinely need is too crowded. Learning to fill it with the right things for myself as well as for those around you is the skill I need to learn now.
For a long time I had the JUST IN CASE BAG, which has everything in it. Work and business being in debt, staff that you are blocking out, children and their right to an attentive parent, money and the lack of it, ideas and how they cause you sleepless nights, friends and the ones you cannot reach out to, family and the siblings you miss, housekeeping and the smelly sofa you cannot replace, pet cats and broken promises, self confidence and the excess weight, society and how more children are living in poverty. More a suitcase really. And the problem is the carrier of this bag can be mistaken for being all together and on top of it all, especially to themselves, when in fact she is straining and struggling underneath it all.
To be honest I still have this bag with me, albeit recently my back (my literal and physical back) gave away and had to see the doctor who said I need to stop carrying so much on my back. But this is life for many other people too and I realised we have to learn to see things for what they are, and so I have devised a small list of steps to use as a guideline for myself, which is ofcourse completely open to use and misuse.

Clean out your bag regularly because you don't need to be carrying useless things
Don't let it overflow but fill it with things you need and WANT
Let others carry your bag for you from time to time because they need to experience what you carry everyday
Bandages, tissues, hair bands, snacks are life's little things that make the hard times less painful, especially for those around you so don't underestimate their importance
Don't throw out a bag when they get tired. Have a small roster of bags to let them rest and mend.
Don't buy a bag without thinking about it very carefully. No-returns policy should be applied here.
Having said that, mistaken choices can be made. Don't cry over it.
And in the end if it's just not working out...find a different bag MENTALITY and know which to carry when.
For example:
THE CHILDREN TROLLEY because we don't have to carry them all the time, just give it a gentle push or a tug in the right direction
THE IDEAS SACK because they come in all shapes and sizes
THE CAREER TOTE because they need to perform but not define you
THE FUN CLUTCH because never lose a sense of joy in your life by swinging a colourful and pretty thing from you hands from time to time
THE INNER HOBO because you collect and pick up things from life and people around you everyday, doesn't have to mean much or they can be the inspiration you need
THE FAMILY SHOPPER because they come in all shapes and sizes and numbers, and you need them to carry your stuff
THE FRIENDSHIP FANNY PACK because they don't always look great or go with every outfit but they hold all your essentials and you'd be lost without them
THE PUNCH BAG because you don't want to really punch people but you need to release that frustration

Like the saying, if you are not happy where you are, move, you are not a tree. If your bag is overwhelming you, empty it and carry only the things you can, want or need. Do something about it but recognise that sometimes your life changes and so should your bag. Yes, people are not bags (even though some can feel like the punching sort, in which case see above point) or the heavy and dragging kind of contents of a bag either but like I said before, we have to learn to see things for what they are. Recognising what those around you are carrying is also useful here.
And very lastly, sometimes you just need to put that bag down. Like today, when I had this moment in time of just hanging out with myself, writing, drinking coffee and listening to Jeff Buckley. And in that moment letting my mind wander and think about people I love, that I lost, the things I want to do, the ideas I didn't know were inside me. All this would be so difficult with the strap of a heavy bag digging into my shoulders.

Where is feminism in Mongolia???

The phrase “Since you are a woman…” must be one of the most over used start to a sentence to goes on to point to an issue that is not at all gender based. I say this in the context of Mongolia and the Mongolian language, however I’m sure many would be familiar with the less explicit versions of this comment in any other language around the world. And as someone whose point of reference and relativity is mostly based on life in the UK with parts of it in Ulaanbaatar, I can confidently say that people are generally terrified of saying the word 'woman' in the UK for fear of being called sexist and/or being subject to some work place disciplinary action. But in Mongolia?! Hey ho, it’s a phrase that comes out so naturally from both sexes’ mouths without anyone really going: “Hang on, would you say that to a man?” Nobody seems to question these phrases, where words have been put together to represent people's thoughts about issues that they clearly believe has strong basis in gender relations. I have never in my experience of living in Mongolia for three odd years heard a woman, or a man, raise gender issues in a non-threatening or accusatory manner that just pokes at the surface. And truthfully, I probably didn’t even realise what was happening fully, let alone become that ill placed poke. 

My impression so far is that of men and women accepting phrases such as “since you are a woman…” as a normal everyday exchange of opinions, opinions which have almost become unspoken truth.  And I also know that if I say: “Hang on, would you suggest a male colleague to furnish their office with potted plants, since you are a man??” would instantly brand me as the woman that talks about ‘gender’ and therefore must be treated with caution. Because I’ve seen very brief instances of other women attempting at the poke but being burnt by the “Don’t bring up such nonsense” look and treatment before being shut down for good. Although I was young and stupid and was not aware of such dynamics to do something about it then, I still didn’t quite get how I was supposed to think of or react to covert sexism in general. And I think many women in Mongolia still do not recognise sexism when they’re being served it, and those who do consider it as part of the day job. 

Unlike in Western societies where gender issues have been long raised and debated, and have seen their popularity rise and fall like fashion trends, feminism in Mongolia is very new. At least that’s my impression anyway, because during my time in Mongolia I have not come across one feminist writer, actor, politician that are concerned about the collective. There’s plenty of liberation of the individual, especially women who declare their independence in magazines and newspapers that are largely based on financial freedom backed by a combination of their acting, modelling and business ventures (a dark undercurrent that suggests you have to be reasonably attractive and in many cases just divorced an even wealthier man, to achieve this by the way). 

However, without going into murky waters where majority of these lifestyles are inevitably connected a male figure, I still want to ask…but where is feminism? Where is the feminist voice that says that women have choice even in the most trivial issues of everyday life? And have the right to talk about it without fear of being outcast? The verbalising of these rights is frowned upon in society and yet I’m sure we've (at least the ones who recognise it) questioned sexism without actually using the term sexism. And I’m sure plenty of us have longed for the same opportunity as a male counterpart without necessarily knowing the definition of feminism. I would like to speak to more people about this issue and hear what they have to say. Who knows, there could be plenty of feminist writers and bloggers, photographers and other creative individuals that create a bridge between women and ideas in Mongolia, which someone sitting in Coventry does not know about.

Lastly, I just want to say that I love my husband, appreciate him and realise myself to be a lucky lucky woman, not only because he’s just lovely but because he accepts that I have choices, wish to make them in due time, in due context without ever saying “since you are a woman….” He is my feminist hero.