Bag Lady

'How do you juggle it all?' I think more women are asked this question, especially since they become mothers (let's not get onto whether father's get asked this...) than at any other chapter in their lives. And I used to think that when you become a mother, or a 'grown-up' you just have to get on with it and juggle those damn balls faster and with less accidental drops. And that's what I struggled with for a long time. Trying to be the person that picks up more balls, juggles non-stop, and refuse to put a few down. For someone who has been earning my own keep since I finished school, working at whatever chance I got, signing up for the volunteering, and looking around for people to talk to and causes I can join, being open to any new conversations and connections, always ready to consider an offer or an option even if it doesn't come to anything, this willingness can be seen as being pushy or a pushover, being active or even a doormat.

In the culmination of all some of my thoughts, experiences, mistakes and wins I have in a very long and winded way come onto a path in the last few months that seems to be working for me for now.
This concept of 'juggling' is long dead and gone, in the past. For someone who has chosen to go ahead in life as a single parent juggling is just too risky. Too fickle. You cannot be juggling rocks your whole life. And juggling does not give you enough stick to really appreciate your days and times fully. Instead I have come upon a new concept for myself.

My bag concept. Carrying a full bag of shit that we do not need alongside those things we do genuinely need is too crowded. Learning to fill it with the right things for myself as well as for those around you is the skill I need to learn now.
For a long time I had the JUST IN CASE BAG, which has everything in it. Work and business being in debt, staff that you are blocking out, children and their right to an attentive parent, money and the lack of it, ideas and how they cause you sleepless nights, friends and the ones you cannot reach out to, family and the siblings you miss, housekeeping and the smelly sofa you cannot replace, pet cats and broken promises, self confidence and the excess weight, society and how more children are living in poverty. More a suitcase really. And the problem is the carrier of this bag can be mistaken for being all together and on top of it all, especially to themselves, when in fact she is straining and struggling underneath it all.
To be honest I still have this bag with me, albeit recently my back (my literal and physical back) gave away and had to see the doctor who said I need to stop carrying so much on my back. But this is life for many other people too and I realised we have to learn to see things for what they are, and so I have devised a small list of steps to use as a guideline for myself, which is ofcourse completely open to use and misuse.

Clean out your bag regularly because you don't need to be carrying useless things
Don't let it overflow but fill it with things you need and WANT
Let others carry your bag for you from time to time because they need to experience what you carry everyday
Bandages, tissues, hair bands, snacks are life's little things that make the hard times less painful, especially for those around you so don't underestimate their importance
Don't throw out a bag when they get tired. Have a small roster of bags to let them rest and mend.
Don't buy a bag without thinking about it very carefully. No-returns policy should be applied here.
Having said that, mistaken choices can be made. Don't cry over it.
And in the end if it's just not working out...find a different bag MENTALITY and know which to carry when.
For example:
THE CHILDREN TROLLEY because we don't have to carry them all the time, just give it a gentle push or a tug in the right direction
THE IDEAS SACK because they come in all shapes and sizes
THE CAREER TOTE because they need to perform but not define you
THE FUN CLUTCH because never lose a sense of joy in your life by swinging a colourful and pretty thing from you hands from time to time
THE INNER HOBO because you collect and pick up things from life and people around you everyday, doesn't have to mean much or they can be the inspiration you need
THE FAMILY SHOPPER because they come in all shapes and sizes and numbers, and you need them to carry your stuff
THE FRIENDSHIP FANNY PACK because they don't always look great or go with every outfit but they hold all your essentials and you'd be lost without them
THE PUNCH BAG because you don't want to really punch people but you need to release that frustration

Like the saying, if you are not happy where you are, move, you are not a tree. If your bag is overwhelming you, empty it and carry only the things you can, want or need. Do something about it but recognise that sometimes your life changes and so should your bag. Yes, people are not bags (even though some can feel like the punching sort, in which case see above point) or the heavy and dragging kind of contents of a bag either but like I said before, we have to learn to see things for what they are. Recognising what those around you are carrying is also useful here.
And very lastly, sometimes you just need to put that bag down. Like today, when I had this moment in time of just hanging out with myself, writing, drinking coffee and listening to Jeff Buckley. And in that moment letting my mind wander and think about people I love, that I lost, the things I want to do, the ideas I didn't know were inside me. All this would be so difficult with the strap of a heavy bag digging into my shoulders.

One advice for my son

I came across a list on my desktop stickie that contained all the things I wanted to write about, which is great because lately it felt like nothing was happening in my head other than reading academic articles on brownfield regeneration! One of the topic was to write down one advice I’d give my son with ‘once-a-month’ in brackets behind it (I can only assume that at the time of list making that I was confident that there was that many I have accumulated already!). 

So here goes, with some caution but lots of passion. One advice I’d give my son, based on what I know now (May 2013) and what I’ve learnt so far in my few years of living and much fewer months of being a mum: Travel. Cliched, I know, but there’s a twist. Travel with more understanding. Ok, not exactly a moment of enlightenment, however still rings true.

I looked over some photos of my past travels which, although not many or far, reminded me of the amazing places I have been to and the things I’ve seen. It also made me realise how I hardly remembered the locations, names, meanings of these place, despite the hundred of digital photos to prove my presence.

I’m sure the impressions that you gather and soak in from travelling isn’t always tangible and/or even understandable at the given time. I only now realise the Lama Temple my husband and I visited with my little sister in Beijing during my summer of pregnancy has had a profound effect on me. I wouldn’t have guessed at the time how much walking down the streets of New York and Chicago would in an indirect way shape my appreciation of architecture. Or how looking back on my trip to Turkey with girlfriends from school, I only now understand how important it is to just enjoy the moment and not worry about anything else. Although it never really bothered me much before (it’s all about the experience, right?!) who knows what my thoughts were at that given time? How interesting it would be to read it now? Better yet, to revisit and enjoy the different opinions and impressions the second time round.

However, in spite of not managing to be a constant writer of my thoughts and travels, I currently have a stack of notes from various trips and travels written on scraps of paper, which I never got round to writing up. So there’s always been that urge to write about travels, just not the discipline. Which brings me to my advice for my son. Travel and travel more, but more importantly understand where you’re going, why you’re going. The simplest way may be writing but a more creative and exciting thing you can do is sketching, something I only recently discovered and teaching myself to do because it will make you spend a little bit longer beside the place you're visiting, help you remember better and recall your experiences, and make a lovely souvenir book that beats any mug.

Francis D.K. Ching, introduced to me by my Urban Design module tutor-inspired me to sketch and learn how to draw again (first tip is to just draw like a child draws, with no inhibitions)

"Drawing stimulates the mind to think and can make visible those aspects which cannot be seen by the naked eye or captured on film by a camera" F.D.K. Ching

I now only wish that I had made the effort to write more about and sketch the places I visited along with why I thought it was good to visit at the time-I think it says a lot about your then state of mind. Another reason to visit a stationery shop and let the sketch books, notepads, watercolours and pencils lift the mood-and one day it'll be my sketch with a caption!