Bag Lady

'How do you juggle it all?' I think more women are asked this question, especially since they become mothers (let's not get onto whether father's get asked this...) than at any other chapter in their lives. And I used to think that when you become a mother, or a 'grown-up' you just have to get on with it and juggle those damn balls faster and with less accidental drops. And that's what I struggled with for a long time. Trying to be the person that picks up more balls, juggles non-stop, and refuse to put a few down. For someone who has been earning my own keep since I finished school, working at whatever chance I got, signing up for the volunteering, and looking around for people to talk to and causes I can join, being open to any new conversations and connections, always ready to consider an offer or an option even if it doesn't come to anything, this willingness can be seen as being pushy or a pushover, being active or even a doormat.

In the culmination of all some of my thoughts, experiences, mistakes and wins I have in a very long and winded way come onto a path in the last few months that seems to be working for me for now.
This concept of 'juggling' is long dead and gone, in the past. For someone who has chosen to go ahead in life as a single parent juggling is just too risky. Too fickle. You cannot be juggling rocks your whole life. And juggling does not give you enough stick to really appreciate your days and times fully. Instead I have come upon a new concept for myself.

My bag concept. Carrying a full bag of shit that we do not need alongside those things we do genuinely need is too crowded. Learning to fill it with the right things for myself as well as for those around you is the skill I need to learn now.
For a long time I had the JUST IN CASE BAG, which has everything in it. Work and business being in debt, staff that you are blocking out, children and their right to an attentive parent, money and the lack of it, ideas and how they cause you sleepless nights, friends and the ones you cannot reach out to, family and the siblings you miss, housekeeping and the smelly sofa you cannot replace, pet cats and broken promises, self confidence and the excess weight, society and how more children are living in poverty. More a suitcase really. And the problem is the carrier of this bag can be mistaken for being all together and on top of it all, especially to themselves, when in fact she is straining and struggling underneath it all.
To be honest I still have this bag with me, albeit recently my back (my literal and physical back) gave away and had to see the doctor who said I need to stop carrying so much on my back. But this is life for many other people too and I realised we have to learn to see things for what they are, and so I have devised a small list of steps to use as a guideline for myself, which is ofcourse completely open to use and misuse.

Clean out your bag regularly because you don't need to be carrying useless things
Don't let it overflow but fill it with things you need and WANT
Let others carry your bag for you from time to time because they need to experience what you carry everyday
Bandages, tissues, hair bands, snacks are life's little things that make the hard times less painful, especially for those around you so don't underestimate their importance
Don't throw out a bag when they get tired. Have a small roster of bags to let them rest and mend.
Don't buy a bag without thinking about it very carefully. No-returns policy should be applied here.
Having said that, mistaken choices can be made. Don't cry over it.
And in the end if it's just not working out...find a different bag MENTALITY and know which to carry when.
For example:
THE CHILDREN TROLLEY because we don't have to carry them all the time, just give it a gentle push or a tug in the right direction
THE IDEAS SACK because they come in all shapes and sizes
THE CAREER TOTE because they need to perform but not define you
THE FUN CLUTCH because never lose a sense of joy in your life by swinging a colourful and pretty thing from you hands from time to time
THE INNER HOBO because you collect and pick up things from life and people around you everyday, doesn't have to mean much or they can be the inspiration you need
THE FAMILY SHOPPER because they come in all shapes and sizes and numbers, and you need them to carry your stuff
THE FRIENDSHIP FANNY PACK because they don't always look great or go with every outfit but they hold all your essentials and you'd be lost without them
THE PUNCH BAG because you don't want to really punch people but you need to release that frustration

Like the saying, if you are not happy where you are, move, you are not a tree. If your bag is overwhelming you, empty it and carry only the things you can, want or need. Do something about it but recognise that sometimes your life changes and so should your bag. Yes, people are not bags (even though some can feel like the punching sort, in which case see above point) or the heavy and dragging kind of contents of a bag either but like I said before, we have to learn to see things for what they are. Recognising what those around you are carrying is also useful here.
And very lastly, sometimes you just need to put that bag down. Like today, when I had this moment in time of just hanging out with myself, writing, drinking coffee and listening to Jeff Buckley. And in that moment letting my mind wander and think about people I love, that I lost, the things I want to do, the ideas I didn't know were inside me. All this would be so difficult with the strap of a heavy bag digging into my shoulders.

Office Life

I’ve now been employed by a highly reputable foreign company in UB for the last four weeks, doing a 20 hour week, part-time translation work. Rejoining the work force has been great, and although I applied for and accepted a job well below my previous positions and capacity voluntarily, there is still that feeling of being underused but also being pushed forward.

Let me expand. Translation work is boring if you have no self interest in the job - and it is not going to benefit you in anyway by furthering your intellect or even just amusing you. But I’ve convinced myself that despite having had more managerial roles in the post, I had missed out on the crucial and basic skills one has to gain. Like typing, translating, concentration and submission. Learning the basics is quite grounding for someone who’s in danger of being a little too confident.

However, seeing the managers of departments and others in a slightly senior role than me I naturally feel unnoticed, wasted and, let’s face it, unimportant. The first time I felt like was like looking through the window of a bakery when on a diet-quite sad really. But now there is that knowing nod inside and an invisible pat on my head (‘don’t worry, you’ll get to eat the cake, but after you’ve lost the baby fat’).

Body issues aside, something else that I noticed is the gender inequality and the general inequality in the office. Trust a woman to reference the 3 classic female causes of today’s politics consecutively in my last 3 blog posts right? (Child care, healthcare, gender issues-but I believe one should talk about what one doesn’t know so they learn, write about what one does know).

For a foreign company with overseas operations it’s generally the norm to send male executive types to oversea and manage various departments, with local subordinates. In fact, it has become such a common establishment in Mongolia today that seeing one (female) Mongolian in charge of a department at my current company was refreshing (albeit she was heading up the typical female department of HR).

Why the bipolarity then? It feels almost like a modern equivalent of a 50s office situation, minus the cool Mad Men type attire and cigarettes. Study after study has shown that women tend to be better leaders and managers, if we only get over our inability to speak up and be aggressive, or that pesky little nature’s issue of child bearing duties. The typical Asian response would be that women are easier to work with (read: submissive and easily controlled) or the typical developing country based company response would be that they need someone with experience (read: one of their own and unlikely to cheat the company). I realize that there are many other sides to my above generalizations but the effort to overcome this typical-ness is frustratingly little.

Lower positions of clerk, translators and assistants are predominantly female, and funnily (and maybe saddeningly enough) the IT predominantly male so that the female assistant will at some point have to ask for help about her darn printer.

And what’s more interesting to observe is the fact that departments, different levels of position do not mix at lunch time, in the kitchen or even at after work functions. For a foreign company it can be understandable that the language can be a slight barrier to vertical socializing for some employees but even the competent English speakers tend to segregate themselves and run with their pack. This may be an age old issue that has been discussed, ranted and blogged about from a long time ago by millions of females out there. But considering I’m from a predominantly liberal, small scale and not necessarily a profit seeking professional background I find this setup alienating. How will one learn, gain experience and more understanding if one only sticks to their own department/work/recipe? Is the higher plan to keep the ants working so they can be wielded in one profit margin smashing direction or is it that there is no higher plan, just the reality of what employment is like in Mongolia today?