Bag Lady

'How do you juggle it all?' I think more women are asked this question, especially since they become mothers (let's not get onto whether father's get asked this...) than at any other chapter in their lives. And I used to think that when you become a mother, or a 'grown-up' you just have to get on with it and juggle those damn balls faster and with less accidental drops. And that's what I struggled with for a long time. Trying to be the person that picks up more balls, juggles non-stop, and refuse to put a few down. For someone who has been earning my own keep since I finished school, working at whatever chance I got, signing up for the volunteering, and looking around for people to talk to and causes I can join, being open to any new conversations and connections, always ready to consider an offer or an option even if it doesn't come to anything, this willingness can be seen as being pushy or a pushover, being active or even a doormat.

In the culmination of all some of my thoughts, experiences, mistakes and wins I have in a very long and winded way come onto a path in the last few months that seems to be working for me for now.
This concept of 'juggling' is long dead and gone, in the past. For someone who has chosen to go ahead in life as a single parent juggling is just too risky. Too fickle. You cannot be juggling rocks your whole life. And juggling does not give you enough stick to really appreciate your days and times fully. Instead I have come upon a new concept for myself.

My bag concept. Carrying a full bag of shit that we do not need alongside those things we do genuinely need is too crowded. Learning to fill it with the right things for myself as well as for those around you is the skill I need to learn now.
For a long time I had the JUST IN CASE BAG, which has everything in it. Work and business being in debt, staff that you are blocking out, children and their right to an attentive parent, money and the lack of it, ideas and how they cause you sleepless nights, friends and the ones you cannot reach out to, family and the siblings you miss, housekeeping and the smelly sofa you cannot replace, pet cats and broken promises, self confidence and the excess weight, society and how more children are living in poverty. More a suitcase really. And the problem is the carrier of this bag can be mistaken for being all together and on top of it all, especially to themselves, when in fact she is straining and struggling underneath it all.
To be honest I still have this bag with me, albeit recently my back (my literal and physical back) gave away and had to see the doctor who said I need to stop carrying so much on my back. But this is life for many other people too and I realised we have to learn to see things for what they are, and so I have devised a small list of steps to use as a guideline for myself, which is ofcourse completely open to use and misuse.

Clean out your bag regularly because you don't need to be carrying useless things
Don't let it overflow but fill it with things you need and WANT
Let others carry your bag for you from time to time because they need to experience what you carry everyday
Bandages, tissues, hair bands, snacks are life's little things that make the hard times less painful, especially for those around you so don't underestimate their importance
Don't throw out a bag when they get tired. Have a small roster of bags to let them rest and mend.
Don't buy a bag without thinking about it very carefully. No-returns policy should be applied here.
Having said that, mistaken choices can be made. Don't cry over it.
And in the end if it's just not working out...find a different bag MENTALITY and know which to carry when.
For example:
THE CHILDREN TROLLEY because we don't have to carry them all the time, just give it a gentle push or a tug in the right direction
THE IDEAS SACK because they come in all shapes and sizes
THE CAREER TOTE because they need to perform but not define you
THE FUN CLUTCH because never lose a sense of joy in your life by swinging a colourful and pretty thing from you hands from time to time
THE INNER HOBO because you collect and pick up things from life and people around you everyday, doesn't have to mean much or they can be the inspiration you need
THE FAMILY SHOPPER because they come in all shapes and sizes and numbers, and you need them to carry your stuff
THE FRIENDSHIP FANNY PACK because they don't always look great or go with every outfit but they hold all your essentials and you'd be lost without them
THE PUNCH BAG because you don't want to really punch people but you need to release that frustration

Like the saying, if you are not happy where you are, move, you are not a tree. If your bag is overwhelming you, empty it and carry only the things you can, want or need. Do something about it but recognise that sometimes your life changes and so should your bag. Yes, people are not bags (even though some can feel like the punching sort, in which case see above point) or the heavy and dragging kind of contents of a bag either but like I said before, we have to learn to see things for what they are. Recognising what those around you are carrying is also useful here.
And very lastly, sometimes you just need to put that bag down. Like today, when I had this moment in time of just hanging out with myself, writing, drinking coffee and listening to Jeff Buckley. And in that moment letting my mind wander and think about people I love, that I lost, the things I want to do, the ideas I didn't know were inside me. All this would be so difficult with the strap of a heavy bag digging into my shoulders.

Role model

A person’s role model’s gender usually matches their own (not all cases but most cases) and it’s perfectly acceptable to have their gender as one of the factors of choice. But what if we base our choice on nationality as well as gender? For a Mongolian woman, it becomes so limiting that I fail to pick one person that I admire and want as my role model.  In an age where internet, movies, music, sports and fashion has penetrated to the deep fabric of a Mongolian young generation, it’s much easier to look up to, admire, copy and aspire to be a foreign successful woman. The reason being that they are much more accessible and in many cases more glamorous to admire than, say, a female Mongolian politician or an actress. The most famous politician in Mongolia being Oyun Sanjaasuren and actress is…whoever’s dating the whoever at the moment.

Over exposure in the media is not a good thing of course and many critics have said that ‘knowing’ too much about people with public profiles (celebrities) affects us negatively because we start to believe that the extraordinary things in their lives are ordinary and we start to expect the same from our everyday lives, and only end up disillusioned and disappointed  in ‘them’.

But the problem in Mongolia is that there isn’t enough exposure about some of the most extraordinary women in Mongolia today. I’m afraid I can’t give a list of these great women for us to look up to and follow their careers-if anyone can suggest please do so! I just want to understand why this is the case and why the only great figures that many and most Mongolians look up to end up being either the warrior king that we’ve named our airport, vodkas and hotels after, or great sporting heroes like Tuvshinbayar, with his two Olympic medals. Nothing wrong with the above examples I say, but what else is there for a young woman in today’s world who needs an inspirational figure that will lift her up in her dark days and teach her a few things too? Not just a celebrity but someone with staying power and substance.

I suppose the sense of being untouchable is why women, from all over the world, wants to look up to the super famous types of women who are glamorous and successful. Is there a Mongolian equivalent? A sense of patriotism is brewing here but I’m sure there are amazing women out there in Mongolia, and we (I alone maybe) don’t know here. There are times when you just need a Mongolian woman’s inspiration to help you because it’s closer to home.

I don’t know my Mongolian history much but reading books like The Secret History of the Mongol Queens: How the Daughters of Genghis Khan Rescued His Empire by Jack Weatherford certainly makes one feel closer to a great woman.  But these figures are just too abstract for a modern woman to think: ‘What would…..do?’ in a time of crisis? But have there been a female historical figure in the past that would inspire us today? Is there one Mongolian woman in a leadership role today, who would inspire thousands of us out there?

The USA has their Oprah Winfrey, the UK has the Queen, Anita Roddick, Vivienne Westwood, Australia has their Cate Blanchett, Jordan has their Queen Noor and Iceland has their Thóra Arnórsdóttir.These are internationally recognized and admired women (ok, and a roundup of my personal isnpirational women but I chose them because I admire their personal lives as well as their professional acheivements), and I’m sure there are hundreds more that people from each of these countries would also suggest. (I chose to list people with more visually public profiles because it's as close as you can get to 'knowing' someone and admiring them-it allows people to be able to learn more about someone who you've seena t least once and heard about rather than admiring a person for just one aspect of their lives. But nowadays we can all Google whomever we like and learn more. I just thought these were the most accessible for now.) And of course everyone has their own criteria for why someone would be their role model and inspire them, but most of us usually agree on a truly inspirational person anyway.

The search for the inspirational woman of today’s Mongolia should start here…who inspires you and why?

Oyun Sanjaasuren

Thóra Arnórsdóttir

Queen Noor

Anita Roddick

Tuvshinbayar Naidan